The Dummies' Guide to Driving

(I've been driving for 2 years or more now. On Bombay roads. And I've had zero accidents. That ought to tell you how good I am. :D)

1. Everyone on the road should have been placed in an aslyum 17 years ago.

2. There is no such thing as a sidewalk/footpath. The road, lanes and parking space are all extensions of a footpath. So even if someone is crazy enough to walk in the middle of the road and you bump into him - you're a drunk driver and ought to go to jail.

3. If you have an accident, it doesn't matter who did it. All that matters is who is richer. If you're in a car, for example, and you hit a pedestrian (no matter how deranged he is), you did it. If you're in a Mercedes and you hit a bike that was speeding like nobody's business on a busy street - you did it. So it's also good to keep in mind - if you are a really bad driver, it's best to drive around Juhu. You'll crash into a rich dude and make him pay for the repairs because the crowd that gathers on a hot afternoon, well, just hates him, in his AC car.

4. The horn does not say "Let me go first" or "Move on" or "Choose a lane and stick to it, goddamit!" (Though those are interpretations.) The horn is simply a power tool. Whoever toots it first can do whatever the hell he wants, and later say, "Arre lekin horn toh bajaya! Sunayi nahi deta kya?" (People will justify anything from cutting lanes at 80 kmph to crashing into you, with this line.)

5. Children will run across roads like it's their playground. So when you see anyone below 15 years even 10 feet away, slow down. A child being halfwitted is still not reason enough to land him in hospital. Also note that if a person playing gully cricket runs backwards towards you to take a catch, you must at least stop, if you don't have the heart to cheer.

6. An upraised hand means stop. It doesn't matter if someone puts their hand up at the exact minute when the signal goes green. You wait for them to amble across their property (you're just a trespasser on the roads, you honking irritating creature) and then you drive on.

7. Zebra crossings are paint on roads, and nothing more.

8. Every time someone waves their hands at you furiously in a "WHAT THE HELL" gesture, you do it right back.

9. Your prime enemies are: Buses, trucks, bikes, scooters, bicycles and pedestrians. The 1st 2, because they own the road. The last, because no matter what they do, you will be blamed for the consequences.

10. An autorickshaw can fit anywhere. Period.

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Hellew, yes, I'm back. Major thanks to the people who told me to blog. I have such dedicated readers. Aww. I love you all, and there's lots of India TV, SRK-bashing, AB-phooing, crap-discussing coming your way.

And since I'm back after exams, here's a thought on my education - or anyone's, for that matter (and because I'm back after exams, duh, it's got to be scientifically presented):

(Click for better resolution)

Random Thought of the Day - (I know elections are over and all that, but I'm blogging after so long, no?) The Bachchan parivaar supports Samajwadi Party, yes? So leave aside the fact that they would vote for a party that's going, "Down with computers, down with English!" (How come no one shouts, "Down with Karan Johar!"), considering they live in Andheri, do they vote for Abu Azmi?
(I realise that I just discussed the Bachchan parivaar's voting tendencies. This clearly puts me just half a notch higher than India TV which has an all-consuming interest in AB Sr's cough.)

You Must Be a Gujju If... (Non-Gujjus, please ignore)

- You have at least 1 relative in the stock market.

- You're never worried about what happens if you get stranded in Ghatkopar. All you'd have to do, you know, is walk across the road and find a relative. (Still easier, just shout, "Mama! Masi! Faiba! Kaka!" a couple of times. At least one is bound to be around.)

- You don't worry about being stranded in New Jersey. You've been told by everyone that the thing to do at such a time is to open the telephone directory, turn to "Shah" and call any number for help.

- You measure the success of a wedding by how many people praised the food.

- You believe Narendra Modi is the solution to everything. From your hair to the nation's defence.

- You understand that when someone says "Dhirajbhai no babo" or "Maniben ni baby", the "baba" and "baby" in question could be 40 years old.

- You either think the garba is the coolest thing ever, or you wonder why the whole world makes such a big deal out of it.

- No packing for any trip is complete without thepla.

- Winter = undhiyo.

- Summer = keri no ras.

- Monsoon = have su karvanoo?!

- You assume (in marital situations) that because Mara bhai na vevai ni dikri na sasu gave a recommendation, the person in question is virtue personified.

- You have no problems with love marriages. You just view them as a last resort, that's it.

- You may not donate anything to the orphanage down the road, but when there's a calamity in Gujarat, you send truckloads of money, food and amenities.

- You feel a slight sense of pride in Ketan Parekh, no matter how much you hide it.

- You think the G-U-J-J-U sequence in Kal Ho Na Ho was rather cool, actually.

- You're so attuned to smiling and laughing for no reason at any given social occasion, that funerals become odd for you. (Non-Gujju funerals, that is. At Gujju funerals, everyone has the same problem, so they understand.)

Updated: A few more:
- You know what "doodh cold drink" (pronounced doodh coal dreenk) is.

- Sunday mornings = Gathiya and jalebi. From Trupti, if you live in the suburbs.

- The road outside Borivali Station doesn't scare you to death.

(Check out comments section for more contributions. :D)

This is not a post

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This is an update, to tell you that I'm trying (hard, very hard) to cut down on internet time.

*points forcefully with grim expression, like Sansani's anchor* Which means that you suffer.

I will try to follow a Sunday-ke-Sunday routine with the internet. Peru does it, and does it well, and I'm inspired.

I will comment on all your blogs, hopefully, next weekend.

I will check your emails, hopefully, next weekend.

I will reply to all your wall posts, hopefully, next weekend.

I will reply to all the notes, status messages, and every-other-piece-of-addictive-Facebook-crap, hopefully, next weekend.

Yes, I now may not reply to comments on my blog. Yes, I am trying hard not to blog at all. Yes, I'm advising you to not comment on this post because, really, there's nothing to comment about.

Until then, I leave you with a generic comment for all your blogs:
"Awesome post!! Brilliant work!!"

No, really, I do love all the blogs on my sidebar. :) May your tribe increase.

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Oh, and the picture for the week:

Maybe this auto is jointly owned by SRK and Amitabh Bachchan?

I Don't Post So Often But...

...This astounds me. Highlight of the article:

Recently, the government also asked the education department to start distribution of uniforms to students of Std I to IV. The uniforms are for Muslim, Buddhist, Sikh, Christian, Jain and Parsi students studying in government-approved all aided/non-aided primary schools.

Someone tell me it's a typo. Or a mistake. Or that the person who took the decision was stoned when he signed, but thankfully some babu (who miraculously happened to be around and not asleep) noticed and got it cancelled.

It's blindingly obvious to anyone who lives in Bombay or India that purely from an economic perspective, Parsis, Jains and Sikhs are much likelier to have the money (or their own charities to fund them) to buy uniforms as compared to Hindus.

Politically incorrect? How politically correct is what the State Government is doing? Screw politically correct, what about ethically correct?

What I really want to know is if they can come up with a reason for this. Help me out on this one. How do you justify this? Hindus are the majority, and we have budgetary constraints, so we'll just cover the minorities? Or the famous we-must-protect-our-minorities line? Or have reservations been extended to minorities sometime recently while the nation was sleeping?

No, I'm not a VHP person. I'm not even one of those people who shouts, "Hindus are the true minorities now!" from the rooftops, because I don't believe that. Yes, minorities have been discriminated against in the past. But we're talking uniforms and money here, aren't we? And anyone in this country will readily admit, poverty hits everyone. Except Shah Rukh Khan.

At times like these, you begin to wonder if there's really any difference. Which party is in power, who the CM is, who the Education Minister is, which idiots make up the Legislative Assembly. It's all the same dirty politics, isn't it? Religion-based bribes to the parents of little kids by scumbag politicians who wouldn't be doing this if they even understood what education means.

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Every time I read portions of The Namesake, what blows me away the most is that it's written so effortlessly in present tense.

I'm on a Jhumpa Lahiri OD... again. I really need to find new authors.

And to all and sundry, please read books before they're made into movies. That way, you're buying them when they still haven't had beautiful cover designs replaced by film shots.

Anyone care to talk about how the books-vs-movies thing affects you? Even when the movies are really well-made, I feel a faint sense of being cheated, because now I won't ever be able to visualise the book the way I did before I watched the movie. Right from what a character looks like to what a situation feels like - it's made so tangible and visible by a movie that it takes away the depth to some degree. The answer should be to not watch them at all, of course, but curiosity is a powerful thing.

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