November 02, 2006

What does Aishwarya Rai get on her birthday? An extended family.

India, Nov 1: Aishwarya Rai (Miss India, Miss World 1994) turned 33 on Wednesday. And the nation went into paroxysms of delight.

People in Allahabad ushered in a new year for Ms Rai by celebrating her birthday. Unfortunately Ms Rai could not be present, and they had to make do with her photograph. They lit candles and cut a cake, with the scintillating lady's photograph in front of them at all times. Citizens were also eager to give interviews to the omnipresent and faltoo press, which had no news that day to cover except Ms Rai's birthday.

Citizens of Allahabad insisted that they were celebrating Ms Rai's birthday not only because she was their favourite actress and they loved her stellar performances in memorable movies like 'Bride and Prejudice' and 'Mistress of Spices', but because she was now their "bahu". Children of age 8 told the press (direct quote), "Ab woh hamari chachi banne jaa rahi hai... hum bahut khush hain." And we thought that any self-respecting child of age 5 or above would rather drink milk five times a day than come on national television to call an actress his/her chachi.

While the mass-adoption of Abhishek Bachchan by Allahbad as their son is very touching, the Bachchan family, which on most occasions is prepared for such situations with diplomatic statements and press releases of "Aapke pyaar ke bina toh hum kuch bhi nahi" type (which is actually truer than they realise), on this occasion, had nothing to say - either because they were "not available for comment" or because the media finally realised the futility and utter idiocy of covering "news" of this kind.

IBN-7, which is associated with CNN and is run by Rajdeep Sardesai, ran a special feature on the occasion of Ms Rai's birthday, called "Aishwarya Rai ke Affairs" at 8.30 p.m. IST. That's India for you - a land of contradictions, where Allahbadis call someone their "bahu", the media runs the story of the citizens and follows it up with a story of the respected lady's affairs, and all the while the average person watches both with equal enjoyment, and can still believe in privacy, human rights, respect for individuals and Indian culture and tradition.

J. P. Dutta, meanwhile, in Mumbai, rejoiced at home over a glass of Scotch. By remaking 'Umrao Jaan,' he had realised too late, he had bitten off more than he could chew. But the secret of Bollywood directors' psychological survival is the fact that they believe that there is no movie so pathetic that it cannot at least recover what they sunk in it. And this time, thought J. P. to himself, is something that I've never had before. Star's birthday, rumours of impending marriages, promos that look like advertisements for Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri, and a budget big enough to feed an entire African country. God bless the age of free publicity and tabloidism.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

i jus pray tht illiterate ppl read ur blog..and jus get themselves aways from the futile shit which is goin on and i also pray tht literate ppl who are givin heed to the shit read u blog n get shamefaced...aishwarya rai in umrao jan...JP Dutta...I ask "Why..just why??"
Avinash

Bleue said...

oh i was laughing so much wen i heard tat kid!

aanh..i missed d IBN programme..this 33yr old lady is gettin on my nerves..

Tribhovandas Bhimji..LOLZ..

i think Ash & Umraao jaan are overrated..lik GAWD she looks sooooo freggin beautiful it feels FAKE..omg..you CANNOT be that beautiful man, she cud give Barbie dolls a complex!!

i hope she abhishekh duznt marry her..

Asterix said...

:) This media hoopla will be matched today by the one for Shahrukh Khan, the uncrowned king of hamming.

Pardon my naivety, but pray tell, who is Tribhovandas Bhimji? Some filthy rich diamond merchant?

Mudra said...

@avi: How will ILLITERATE people read my blog?? Hehe... Otherwise... thank you!

@Peru: Arre somehow I don't find her that beautiful... too skinny for my taste ;) She'd be pretty if she gained some weight and wore less makeup.

@Asterix: Uncrowned King Of Hamming is right... 'Swades' was his only tolerable flick. And Tribhovandas Bhimji Zaveri is a chain of jewellery stores in Mumbai that make the special, heavy, Indian-wedding style jewellery which weighs a ton and costs a bomb.

azmeen said...

ur hilarious girl..!!:D :D
loved this one...



p.s: are u still humming rich girl ?:P

Pratz said...

naaice

shoumeli said...

loved it!!
i sooooooooooo agree man..:).. we all hate her equally dont we...feel like abusin soooooooooo badly..:).. hehehehe...
but.. awesome stuff...!!

Aprajita said...

hey !!
awesome entry !! killer !! hehe damn funny .. ok this is besides the point bt today while my parents were watching big boss the ad goes like for updates on big boss tune into "aaj tak" .. i mean sersly wtf ??? is this what our news channels show us .. the plastic queens 300 th bday or some ppl living in house ??? ewwww !!!
anyways very well written as usual !! keep it up waitin for more !! tc cya muah

Anirudh Shetty said...

Oye....gr8 article....as usual...

Wat to do....It seems India has only three ppl to talk abt...

Sachin Tendulkar...Amitabh...and Ashwarya...

Subash Chandra himself said naa.....tht the new channels are foccusing on the wrong areas....too boost their TRP's

and....majority of da ppl...(illetrate or not) luv junk stuff....like these

Arjun Mohan said...

abey muddidd..

i like ash haan, but uv got a point, bloody....

WHY do the kids hafta call her chachi ?? i didn't know abt this, coz i dun watch tv that much.. but THAT. IS. DISGUSTING. and can't somebody tell the allahabad losers that the bacchans give a rat's ass as to what they think about or what they do ???

gr8 post !!! :-D keep writing.. write some sh*t abt hrithik naa.. if uv got the heart to... hehehehehe...

Mudra said...

@azmeen: Thank you! And yes, I'm still humming 'rich girl', I think I'll be humming it even in my grave. Lol.

@pratz: Thanks yaar, lekin thoda lamba comment de na! The types that go "WOW!! Awesome!! Too good!!" Heehee.

@shoumeli: Yes we hate her equally! Ms. Perfect that she is, she's a little too much for people like us who're SO far from perfect. ;)

@apra: Bigg Boss updates on Aaj Tak? Things are worse than I thought! (By the way, talking of 'Plastic Queen', you should've seen Simi Garewal with Ms Rai - it was like War of the Plastics or something... hehe)

@anirudh: Yeah, well we have only these many people to talk about. Indians have no taste yaar - I'd make a better celebrity than AB, Ash and Sachin baba! Hehehehe..

@arjun: Dude you like Ash? Anyway that's your choice, but I definitely don't have the heart to "write some sh*t abt hrithik"! You're free to do so, though, if you're very hurt about me lampooning your darling Ash ;)

vyoma said...

heyy,,grt blog amazing sarcasm..u erally dont let ur readers down...but seriously...the media has bettr problems 2 focus on than actors actresses' 'lowe' or any other part of their life!! i mean tht chaacha shit was too much!!ppl really need a brk..i guess mass adoption and all tht crap is their idea of one..waiting for more...byeee

dilshad said...

im beginning to overlook over-enthusiastic, weird , unconcious self-depreciating (im being very very nice) Indians....its was like -OVER THE TOP ....early in the morning someone calls me (that person shall be anonymous for the moment)....5 mins into the convo......"hey, did u know it was Ash's bday?".....first it took me 2 mins to register the sudden switch in topic......second i ask "who's Ash"?.....third....*^^&%^$%^#%$#^$#$%#$%#

dilshad said...

umm & that person is not rohan haan .....!!

Stranger said...

Hey one of your many 'excellent' posts. Written like a true journalist, while maintaining a personal touch, you've managed to give in the 'facts' like a third eye..
And brownie points for ripping apart the 'bullshit' called Ashwar'yeah' Raeeeee...
Keep up!