March 13, 2007

How To Safeguard Your Image, and Life, While Speaking To Certain Factions

What not to say to a woman (For men, naturally. Women can get away with telling each other almost anything):

1. "How would you like a gym membership on your next birthday?"

No, she will not believe that you are offering it simply because you think she might enjoy working out.

2. "Nothing."

In reply to "What's the matter?" or "What are you thinking?". Even if it IS nothing, she won't believe you, so you're better off with "Tired" or "About the match" - lame, but she'll believe it. After all, women do think all the time, and something or the other is always the matter with them, so they assume it is so with men too.

3. "Let's go for a cricket match - more fun than a dinner date, na?"

While the first half is acceptable, the second half will almost always land you in deep shit.

4. "No offence, but your best friend is insufferable."

Uh oh. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of thy girlfriend's best friend. The best friend will be told about what you said, make no mistake, and will initiate a break-up.

5. "No, I don't obsessively collect our photographs. In fact... hmm... *with amusement* I can't recall where the last bunch is, yaar!"

Nostalgia and mushiness usually form the core of any woman's personality. Stay noncommital here.

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What not to say to a man (Here, I don't think it matters what gender you are. These are things that are just not to be said.):

1. "You're not as cool as you think."

The person to whom this is said will either ignore it, or sever relations with you. But whatever the case, he will never believe you.

2. "Sports aren't really as great as they're made out to be."

This might just be acceptable if you're Angelina Jolie, but otherwise, it's a no-no.

3. "You're scared of bikes/dogs/swimming/horses?? HA HA HA!"

A certain large -but fragile- something called the "male ego" is broken here.

4. "Ask for directions, na!"

No. The First Principle of Manhood, all the world over, is, "Never ask for directions. We can find our way, even if it means getting lost thrice and wasting a gallon of fuel."

5. "You don't have a chance with her."

Will be met with disbelief, in every single case, so quite pointless.

[The above points were based on observation of my friends of both genders. So maybe I know only a few nutty teenagers who are hell-bent on growing up too fast. But as a general rule, it is true that even the most smart, pretty and funny woman won't believe you when you say she is all those things; and even the most idiotic, halfwitted, and boring male won't believe you when you say that he is indeed, an ass.]

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What not to say to a teenager (For adults):

1. "Don't you have to study?"

The 'S' word is a no-no.

2. "You're a child. You won't understand."

Note: The teenage ego is almost as touchy as the male ego. You do not say such things. Because, frankly, you have no idea of the number, and the monstrosity, of the things a teenager can do to prove he/she is an adult.

3. "What are your plans?"

This is okay if you want to know where he/she is going today and tomorrow, but for a time period longer than that, no way!

4. "What were you talking about?"

With reference to the 1-hour conversation he/she just had with his/her best friend. Trust me, you don't want to know.

5. "You really like this music?!"

Okay if asked in an appreciative, or at least, curious tone. Not okay if asked with wide eyes, a disbelieving tone, and a "God-yeh-kya-bakwaas-hai" look.

6. "Your uncle's wife's sister's son's wife's brother is getting married tomorrow, you have to come. Agar nahi aaye toh bahut bura lagega, beta!"

He/she is never going to buy that.

7. "You met your friends just yesterday! Why do you have to meet them again?"

This will induce instant dislike.

8. "Blue hair? I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN!"

While surprise, shock and disbelief will be met with equanimity - since they're all expected - a sentence like "I will not let that happen" will have the worst possible effects. She will do a combination of blue and green, just to show you where you stand.

9. "You should socialise more."

While "socialise" with reference to friends will be a welcome suggestion, most people usually mean with relatives. All you will get is, "God, I tolerate them for 5 hours sometimes, at a stretch. Instead of applauding me for my bravery, you want MORE?!"

10. "How can you be bored so often? There are so many things to do!"

No, there are not. At least, what qualifies as "things to do" in your language does not even form the periphery of an average teenager's life and routine, and he likes it that way.

[I realise that I've just painted a picture of myself that is very Hrithik-Roshan-in-first-half-of-Lakshya. Not true. I am, in fact, one of the most patient and hard-working people of my age, whose tolerance level for pages and pages of shitty Economics deserves a mention somewhere. Ditto my dislike for long conversations and obsessive "He/she likes me - likes me not - likes me - likes me not" stuff. *Thinks* That probably makes me abnormal. Sigh. Another cross to bear, but I can live with it. :p]

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What not to say to a Bombaiyya (If you come from another part of India. I'm not counting Bombaiyyas themselves here, because they never will say such things in the first place anyway.):

1. "This city makes me sick."

Response will be, "You make me sick. Bye."

2. "I tried Vada pav / pav bhaji / pani puri / bhel / ragda pattice yesterday. It's okay, men."

No, men, saying nothing is preferable to saying "It's okay." We live for our stomachs, and food lies at the core of Bombay, just like pandus at a signal and Gujju rummy-players in a 1st class compartment. Anything that falls short of "Wow!" when you first taste Bombaiyya food, is unacceptable.

3. "Aap please bata sakte hai nau-adattis ki Churchgate ki gaadi humein kahan se leni chahiye? Humne suna hai khaali aati hai."

The person you are talking to, at the station, has: a. No time. b. No knowledge of the "hum" and "aap" variety of Hindi. c. No patience with people who speak like this. The question must be rephrased thus: "Bhaiyya, nine-thirty-eight ka Churchgate kidhar aayenga?" to which he will say "May-dom, kaiko time khoti karta hai. Indicator saamne hai," and walk off.

4. "Ha ha, what a weird dialect of Hindi you people speak."

Chances are, that is the only form of Hindi he knows.

5. "Tell me, why does your city vote for the Shiv Sena?"

Now this is perfectly correct and hence will touch a raw nerve. We don't know why we vote for the Sena. And we don't know why we don't know. But the last thing we want is to be questioned about our political blunders by "bleddy outsiders."

6. "I saw Shweta Kawatra in Lokhandwala yesterday, men!!!"

Ho hum. It's not news unless you spotted Hrithik Roshan, SRK, AB, Kareena and Aishwarya together in a car, and they waved at you.

7. In a whining voice: "Three people stamped on my toes in the train yesterday!"

No, we don't sympathise. That happens everyday. Learn to laugh.

8. "I want a 1 BHK furnished flat in Bandra. Rs. 5000 a month should be more than enough, right?"

Are you for real?

9. "I'm overworked. I have to work from 9 to 5 and 2 hours overtime!"

No, child, you are overworked only when you work from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m.

10. "Delhi is better than Bombay."

This is the ultimate blasphemy. If you said Bangalore, or Chennai, or Kolkata, or Pune, or Hyderabad, the more charitable souls will think you're an eccentric and nothing more. But mention Delhi, and you've had it. After a stunned silence of 5 seconds, where the listener will wrestle with his first instinct (i.e. strangling you), you'll get a few Bambaiyya gaalis - a healthy mix of Hindi, Marathi, Konkani, Gujarati and English - followed by "Go back to where you came from, bleddy moron!"

[The above being gained by personal experience. Having grown up on vada pav, kanda-batata-kothmir instead of pyaaz-aloo-dhania, A-1 Pav Bhaji Stalls, Chinees Corners, Shezvan Noodle and Sendweech Stalls, I loathe category 10 like any Bombaiyya and almost fainted when a close friend told me that she would prefer Delhi to Bombay for university. While, in a kind-hearted moment, I forgave her; the memory still rankles and things can never be the same again.]

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Afterthought - The length of my posts is getting to be horrible. A little longer, and this would have been as long as Chidambaram's speech on Budget Day. Next entry, I promise, will be as short as Uday Chopra.

30 comments:

Asterix said...

:) This bleddy moron is amused by the 10th point. Ofcourse there is no comparison between Delhi and Bombay. Delhi is way too better than Bombay. No? ;-)

And, no, we delhites do not suffer from an inferiority complex, nor do we get agitated when someone mentions Bombay. We calmly listen to the bechara Mumbaikar (who is sweating profusely on account of some train journey) and buy him/her some beer to drown his woes in :)
Let the flamewars begin.

Mudra said...

@asterix: Keep saying such stuff, and a gory death awaits you somewhere at the hands of a Mumbaikar. Bleddy!! :p [This is an edited version. Version 1 was too vitriolic to be posted.]

Anirudh Shetty said...

Sometimes.. when life is like Hera-pheri I ry to geto ut of this city..giving it names like crazy bambaiyya life... But yeah... I cant settle down anywhere else for sure..

This city is just like Pav Bhaji and Bhel Puri...

A mix of evrything, and no methodology or fixed technique.. just mix anything anyhow..

Let it be culture,cuisine or whtever..

Thanks for speaking out loud all the Universal Facts...

No one can Do it better!!

Your score??

10/10... as usual..

aditi said...

wow...so so true...ive run out of adjectives for your stuff...i died laughing..btw..sad people who have commented..bombays better..its gonna stay that way whatever you say...(cool..rhyming and everything)...mudraa...you rock! loooooved it...

aditi said...

btw...dont shorten your entries..and whos this asterix?

Sajiv said...

hi there nice post :-)

BTW if that bleddy Asterix is your friend then ask him to kiskofy from patli gully warna ... :-D

azmeen said...

lol:D
i can totally relate to the shaadi part! on the eve of my math1 prelim i had to take my granny to bandra for some1s wedding.gaawddddd
and bout blue hair, u wont blive this...i ran away from home to gt pink purple n blue hair and when i returned home, mom n dad said it looked cool!!!i guess things never work out the way u imagine them to be...they're even better:P
infact they said i could go n get some more!!
:D

Tweety said...

Been reading your blog for a while but never got around to commenting - Procrastinating as usual :)

Well, Ill just say - you've got some style. I truly enjoy reading your subtle humor, sarcastic touches and pleasant takes on some real serious stuff!!

Way to go.
Cheers
Tweety

Mudra said...

@anirudh: Hera Pheri? *Nonplussed*

@aditi, sajiv: Thanks!

@azmeen: Lucky girl!! :) Seriously!

@tweety: Thank you! I love, and I mean LOVE, getting comments like yours. :)

Asterix said...

@aditi, @sajiv: Oh wake up and smell the 'bleddy' coffee, will you!

Asterix said...

@tweety: Et tu Brutus?

aditi said...

look mr. asterix ...this BOMBAY-delhi thing is never-ending....bombays better..period

Bleue said...

Everyone seems to be hung up on the Bombaiiyaa part of this blog. Yes, Bombay is better - we'll argue (a lot) about that, later..

About the other stuff - im afraid i hvnt ventured into deciphering 'men-women-language-codes' as yet, but sounds true..:D

Stuff not 2b said 2 teenagers - i could swear by it! Especially - you wont understnd ..& 'you reeally lik this music?'..

Aanh..about Bombay - really true! Lol to the Ash, AB Sr, AB Jr waving out 2 me...yeh, only THAT wud be news!

All arguments abt Bombay, bring em on!! Tell me 5 things dat delhi has & b'bay duznt..dun say central govt haan, please..

cheers \m/, (+.+) ,\m/

Bleue said...

"..as short as Uday Chopra"
jus read that! mann..lmao!!

Vandana said...

Hey Mudra,
Checked out your blog a while back, thanks to Asterix's comments section... Loved all your posts.. wit and satire at its best.. now I'm hooked.. :-)

Kudos and and keep 'em coming!!
V

venkat said...

hey..
phew!! first of all..DAMN U HAV A SENSE OF HUMOUR GAL!!...its gud..infct it sounds more like competition;-)
seondly i hav some constructive criticism:
1) ur points were spot on but i really wished while i was reading that u'd delve much deeper into every question..a bit more of length wud hav been even more funnier.
2) dnt cut short on length, cut short on general opinion. trust me u'd be WAAAY more funnier if u answered stuff the way U ACTUALLY WUD..dnt get me wrong...its brilliant but even the besthav room to improve;-)

thirdly to praise...
DAMN!! U HAV TALENT IN ABUNDANCE!!..ur analytical and writing skills make me envious..u hav this in ur face kinda humour which is certainly top-notch...(i cud go on and on...but i guess uve heard it all b4;-))

lastly i really hope u keep bloggin...lookin forward to future posts...and knowin ur age all i can say is tht u can ONLY GET BETTER...
good job and hats off to u...
(k...NOW CAN I HAV THE MONEY U PROMISED IF ID COMMENT??;-))

Arjun said...

hehehehe.. re bawwa, beginning mein hi galti.. "girls can get away with telling almost anything to each other", or sth like that..

hehehehehe.. idhar aa, aur kya pangaa hota hai dekh. :-)

and abt what not teo tell a mumbiakar..hehehehehe, u giving me hint ?? what if i come there, and ill be something like, "hey !! this city isn't bad or anything, i mean, it's a positively fun place to be in.. par.. umm.. u know, jams mein itna greenery hai !!" :-D

Mudra said...

@peru: I like your comment. I like it. I like it. I like it.

@vandana: Thank you! :) Like I told Tweety, I LOVE such comments. :)

@venkat: Did I just read a comment with not 1, not 2, but THREE compliments?! I'm shocked. You're losing your mean streak. Hehe... thanks anyway. :)

@arjun/pyaare: Firstly dude, I think you should have been born Bihari only. Tera image is SO not Tam-Brahm. And tu Bombay aa toh sahi... just wait and watch. Apra and I are gonna teach you some lessons that are long overdue. *Evil laugh*

shoumeli said...

hey!! loved it as usual!!!:):):)... the "what not to say to a teenager" was awesome!!mast hai:):):)...

n oh.. ur back to ur favourtite bombay vs delhi naa..hehehe..
btw, i hafta agree wid this friend of urs:) bout DU bein better than bombay colleges.. dude.. im NOT talkin bout the place.. bombay is without a doubt A MUCH BETTER PLACE..but u cant deny the fact tht delhi colleges are better.. honestly.. n i mean the faculty,n the level of education as such..(once again im NOT talkin bout the city or people for tht matter)..
i know u still dont agree...:P...

but..i wont even try to start convincin u, coz ull eat me up:):):)...

anyway.. keep comin up wid more awesome stuff.. ur actually gettin a fan followin now brainless...:):)

Mudra said...

@shoumeli: Thank you for compliments. And for the comments on Delhi vs Bombay - b*tch! [Family blog hai, censor karna padta hai ;)] Love ya! :)

Dilshad said...

this coming from a person.....who once told me at a self-help section of the Landmark bookstore......."its all such shit ya.....they think they have one standard formula for success for every type of person ya.....i mean everyone's different"......

hehe ....it struck me now......Men are from Mars, women from venus (its another one of those "how to deal with the opposite sex" books).....would hv beeen a good book to debate on !

hilarious as usual muddu.....like i said before....."you kept up to your standards".....but romantic poetry is what im buggin you on....and will continue to do so !

Mudra said...

@dilshad: Guilty as charged! What beats me is how you manage to remember stuff I say and then use it against me :p And romantic poetry?? Lol... find me an object worthy enough of it, and you shall have it! ;)

Dilshad said...

back @ mudra.....honey i remember these things SOLELY with the intention of using it against you....!!....haw haw ! afterall the times u pull MY leg (recall "firang" "my hindi" etc).....i think i shud just return the favour !

Pratz said...

lolz!!!

Anonymous said...

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol... !!
no comment !!! lol


btw who is shweta kwatra ??

Anonymous said...

last comment by stan (damm damm)

aditi said...

i read it again! i laughed like i did before! heehee

Vidooshak said...

I thought the funny parts got over once you were done with the say to men thing-- yep, we never ask for directions and better yet, we always feel like seeking a new shortcut around 11PM...

and then Shiv Sena caught my eye and I read the lower part of the post. as a Bhaiyya turned Bambaiyya turned Bengalurian it brought back so many memories! Agree with all you said.

I remember how my Indore ka hindi was met with stony silence in school (some girl even asked me: is that, like, somewhere in India?). Then, I remember thwacking people who dared compare Delhi (ugh) or Bangalooore (puh-lease) to Bombay. And smiling pitifully at cousins who were excited to have met Aruna Irani at Shopper's Stop!

Oh, what i wouldn't do for some non curry-patta pav-bhaji and non-carrot bhel-puri right now!

Vidooshak said...

Just read all the comments. Seems like the city comparisons always strike a chord in people. Hmmm... IPL may be on to a good thing here, although I always wonder how exactly Chennai is going to identify with MS Dhoni as their mascot?!!!

LOL@ as short as Uday Chopra

Vidooshak said...

Reminded me of a similar ode to Bangalore here

http://www.mouthshut.com/review/Bangalore-113756-1.html