February 17, 2008

Why Your Facebook Life Is So Much Cooler Than Your Real Life


Okay, okay, there are about 3 of you whose real lives are cooler. But I'm talking about the majority.

Wherever I go nowadays, I see people busy clicking pictures of themselves to upload on Facebook later. Of course, they won't say that. We're-just-clicking-pics-because-we-felt-like. Hah! I've done it too, I know. You're not fooling anybody. If people smile and humour you, it's because they want to tag themselves in these pictures.

In real life, you speak to people face to face. Or over the phone. You can't act funny because most of the time your conversation goes like this:
A: Haan, so, I was saying.. arre, what was I saying? Kuttey tune bhulva diya!
B: Chup kar, &^$#^&@, heh heh...
A: Abbe ^$#&@#^(, as in, like, dude...!
B: Like, whatever.

In your Facebook life, you can be funny. Because you can change that wall post 23 times before hitting "Post." And no one will know.

In real life, no one wants to know you. No, really. Nobody gives a shit what music you listen to, what books you read, what movies you love, which stars turn you on. What's more, if you tried to "quote" your favourite quotes to your friends, you would be met with any or all of the following:
a. Physical violence.
b. An oh-my-God-is-he-crazy? look.
c. A not-so-subtle attempt to pretend like they don't know you.

On Facebook, because you're talking to yourself more than others, you can lovingly list all your loves and hates. What's more, there are enough people who will read them too (More out of boredom than curiosity, but do you care? No, man, you're a Facebook junkie.).

In real life, no one asks you "What are you doing right now?"

On Facebook, well, Facebook wants to know. Correction: They don't want to know either, but they do know that you want to tell.

Nobody lets you play dumb games and silly quizzes in real life. If you do, you nearly always lose.

On Facebook, you win all the time. If you don't talk, you're "the strong and silent type"; if you do, you're "bubbly and vivacious"; if you're ugly, "you're unconventionally good-looking"; if you're dumb, you're "smarter than 33% of the people who took this test!".

In real life, people take pictures with cameras. Those pictures get developed and stored in physical photo albums. If you look ugly, you look ugly. End of story.

On Facebook, untag, untag, untag.

In real life you can't take back dumb things you say.
E.g. "Oh my God, are you serious?! THAT hairdo?!" *you immediate cringe*

On Facebook, you go, "omg........... tht hair????? wats rong mn...?!!!!" *you immediate delete* - Lot more effective. All that the person with the bad hairdo gets is "X posted on your wall" and no actual wall post.

In real life, if you stalked people, they'd take you to jail.

From a long experience of stalking various people on Facebook, I can tell you, it's immense fun and won't land you in jail. Provided you're stalking people whom you know, and they don't know that you're stalking them. Karo, karo. Find all those ex-crushes, find your bosses, find the people who dumped you, find the people you dumped, find the people who dumped your friends... stalk them all. You may lose interest in a day (I usually do), but then there are others to stalk.

In real life, you have about 8-9 people to whom you talk regularly and whom you would call good friends.

On Facebook, you have 523 friends, 27 Favorite Peeps!, and 78 Top Friends. Yeah, you love 'em all and they love you too. Call any of them at 3 a.m. and they'll be there for you. Hang on, do you have their phone numbers?


February 09, 2008

Breaking News


News of the week:

(Found this on India Uncut)

This gets me thinking, really, what the actual story would've been like.

Newsreader with grave look on his face: Aur aaj Big B, urf Amitabh Bachchan bhi Bambayi ki badhti sardi ka shikaar hue. Humein jaankaari mili hai ki aaj Bachchanji ne apne mobile phone *"mobile phone" enunciated as if speaking to 2 year olds* pe kisi se baat karte hue kaha, "Bahut thand ho gayi Bombay mein."

*Screenshot of these words typed out neatly in Hindi, presumably for the deaf*

Newsreader continues: Humare samvaaddata, Manoj Ghai, is samay (aur har samay) Big B ke ghar, Jalsa, ke bahar hai. Haan Manoj.

Manoj Ghai (idiot who looks grave too): Shukriya Amit, jaise ki aap dekh sakte hai, main iss waqt Jalsa ke bahar hoon. Yahaan pe Amitji apni patni, Jayaji, bete, Abhishek, and bahu, Aishwarya ke saath rehte hai.

Random viewer at home: Manoj, tu yeh 57734 baar bata chuka hai national TV pe.

Newsreader: Manoj, yeh bataiye ki wahaan ka vaatavaran kaisa hai?

Manoj: Yahaan ka vaatavaran kaafi sehma hua sa hai, Amit, kaafi log aaye hai Amitji se milne. Unhein thand lag gayi, iss baat se unke chaahak kuch pareshaan se hai.

Newsreader: Jee, jee... *sympathetic smile* Kya Amitji ne koi formal press statement diya hai?

Manoj: Nahi, Amit, magar jaisa ki aap dekh sakte hai *camera wobbles wildly and finally seems to settle on a few curious onlookers* kaafi press waale aaye hain yahaan pe... *Manoj gestures violently, camera wobbles in opposite direction to settle on a few TV cameras* aur sab ko Amitji ka besabri se intezaar hai. Sunne mein aaya hai ki woh khud press se aadhe ghante mein baat karenge.

Newsreader: Achha... aur kya aap hamare darshakon ko bata sakte hai ki baaki parivaar ke iss thand pe kya vichaar hai?

Manoj: Amit, iska toh sirf andaza hi lagaya jaa sakta hai. Jayaji aaj kal itni garam rehti hai ki shayad unhein thand mehsoos nahi hui hogi. Abhishek aur Aishwarya ko pyaar ki garmahat mehfoos rakhti hai.

*Valentine's Day ads flash on bottom of screen*

Newsreader: Er... achha... *looks at cue, then at camera* Jaisa ki aap dekh rahe hai, humare samvaaddata Manoj aap ke liye Bachchanji ka aankhon dekha haal laate rahenge. Shukriya Manoj.

Manoj: *grins, satisfied at having brought breaking news to the masses*

Newsreader: Doosri khabaron mein, Kolkata mein Amitji ke mandir mein unke fans ne mannatein rakhi hai ki Bambayi ki thand chali jaaye...


February 01, 2008

I'm bored of giving random titles to random-er posts


Jan 31, 2008: We are pleased to announce that the Official Recommendations of R&H (yes, yes, acronyms, as if we're some big-shot famous blog) - see them (here) - have been officially revised. That classic song of the 80s, "Rukmani Rukmani" has given way to young blood. The No. 2 slot is now officially occupied by none other than "Aye! Hip Hopper." To those unaware, we present: the video. Neutral audiences will agree that it easily outstrips "Rukmani Rukmani" on the Corniness (word?) scale.

No. 3 remains "Roop suhana lagta hai" because it is the opinion of the jury that such a breathtaking combination of visuals and choreography will never again be achieved in Hindi cinema. Needless to say, "Tic tic tic" stands undefeated. Rajkumar, and the makers of "Operation Diamond Racket", we bow to thee. There is, though, another video for hardcore Rajkumar fans (Lowe me or haeyte me, as Rajkumar says).

Among other updates, the world-famous author of R&H turned a year older. A good time was had. No interviews, please.

2 whole days to go for a Sunday! Why, God, WHY?!