March 16, 2008

Common Myths About Bloggers


Before we get to myths, let's establish a few basic things:

Every blogger is self-obsessed.

Every blogger lives for hits. And comments.

Every blogger wants to be part of a cool blogging clique. This is because CBCs come with: cross-linking, tagging, commenting and hits. In short, CBCs are every blogger's dream.

Give a blogger too many compliments, and he'll start churning out utter crap.

If a blogger writes well and says he "doesn't read his posts even once before hitting 'Post'" - he's either amazingly gifted or a liar. He can't be amazingly gifted because if he was, he wouldn't be a blogger. Hence he is a liar. QED.

All bloggers lie, dramatise and exaggerate.

No blogger writes "only for myself." If he wanted to write only for himself, he'd do it in MS Word or a personal diary.

Every blogger has wanted, at one time, to be a journalist, novelist, poet or philosopher.

Every blogger has realised that he'd suck if he did try to become any of those.

Every blogger, thus, sticks to a blog where he can talk absolute crap for free, get appreciated for writing crap and freely delete comments that shoot him down.

Now to come to the myths.

The Good:
1. Successful
2. Funny
3. Smart
4. Interesting
5. Hot
6. Kind / Caring / Compassionate
7. Aware / alert citizen
8. Wants the reader's opinion / wants to start a revolution / wants to "make a difference"
9. Leads an exciting life

G1. Bloggers are not successful people. If they were, they wouldn't waste their time writing 400 words of prose / poetry each day. ("What if they're writers?" you ask. If they're writers, they definitely wouldn't. They'd rather work on their next book, or read something that makes sense.) Bloggers are one or all of the following:

- Unemployed (if employed, they sure as hell are not assets to their organisations.)

- Amateur writers / aspiring writers, but too lazy to follow their... ahem... "dream"

- Unpublished writers / Rejected writers / Failed writers

G2. Bloggers are not funny. They are people who can write humour. There's a vast difference. Meet them in person and they'll be the most boring people you've ever met. Because, face it, writers are boring. Unless they're flamboyant and gay like Oscar Wilde.

G3. It's easy to be smart when you're sitting at a PC with net access. There's Google and Wikipedia. And online editions of the newspaper you never read. So the next time you read a blogger's *amazingly insightful* take on a current affair, look up Wiki and a couple of online newspaper editions, and you'll find it all there.

G4. A blog entry is a one-way conversation or soliloquy. Doing a good soliloquy doesn't make a person interesting. Quite the contrary, in fact. Interesting people are those who have the ability to speak well and listen well. Bloggers write well. About 50% of them speak well. Just about 2% of them listen well. If at all. Also note, every blogger is a closet geekand hence unlikely to be interesting except to fellow-geeks. Even if he pretends to only talk about getting laid.

G5. Hahahaha. They may rave about their hair today, or a new dress tomorrow, or the compliments they got. But let's please note: Bloggers are failed writers / journalists. Statistics show that 1 writer in 5 successive eras worldwide is hot. 2 journalists in 1000 are hot. Also note the fact that success adds to hotness, and failure and rejection takes away from hotness. What do you get? Do the math.

G6. Bloggers care. About themselves.

G7. They're not enlightened, aware citizens who will change this country. They litter, cuss, break, and bribe just as much as you do, even if they repeatedly shoot down these things on their blogs. A lot of them don't vote. A lot of them drink and drive. Some do drugs. Basically, they are no different from the general populace of India.

G8. If a blogger really wanted a revolution, he/she would go out and start one. Just the fact that he is sitting at home (or at work - yeah, they're quite kaamchor too), sipping coffee, eating a brownie and writing an impassioned piece on public neglect for the Tibetan refugees, should tell you one simple thing - he wants you to do it. (Assuming he wants it done. Often he couldn't care less.) It would also be good to note that almost every blogger is: jaded, eccentric, cynical, bored. Those are not the people who start or participate in revolutions.

G9. He may write about the parties he attended, the people he met, blah blah. Point is, when he was doing all of that, he was hardly speaking / dancing / drinking / singing / going wild. Instead, he was making mental notes.

The Bad:
1. Psycho
2. Pervert
3. Weird
4. Self-obsessed
5. Boring
6. Ugly

B1 to B6. No issues here, really. 99% are 4, 5 and 6. A fair few are 1, 2 and 3.

Other things that we'll leave for another day: Blogging Etiquette, Commenting etiquette, Obsessive Persistent Blog-Promotion, Blog Jealousy, Discussion of Love Life on Blog, Blogging Directed At A Single Person But On Display For The World To See, Sneaky Visits to Own Blog to Move Stat Counter Along, Hiding Of Blog From Family, Fake Identity For Blog, Mushy Poetry - The Beginner's Curse, Bad Grammar, Bad Formatting (Covers Hideous Pink Colours, Heart Templates, No Sense Of Paragraphs... Or, Indeed, Too Many Title-Case-Words), Desperation For Approval and Liking, Getting Comments By Pretending To Want Readers' Opinions.


Oh, and before the Bloggers Wings of MNS or Shiv Sena start breaking my windows (ghar ka windows, boss, not Microsoft ka)... plizz to be remembering thaet I aem a blaady bilaagar too. So, thaenks for not assassinating.