December 02, 2008

Crises Bring Out The Best In Our Politicians

Manmohan Singh

Psychological twin: Vajpayee, towards the end of his tenure. (The same weariness, the same boredom, the same I'm-a-nice-guy-just-don't-expect-too-much-of-me-willya attitude. Give him a break, the man's 76. That's the age when a man should be falling asleep on his veranda while reading The Upanishads
[or Stardust, whatever rocks your boat] with his bifocals slipping down the bridge of his nose.)

When he says: Blah blah blah blah blah

What he really means is:
Blah blah blah (if I'm monotonous enough, no one will know that I'm not saying anything new!) blah blah

Current status: The real MS seems to be drugged and asleep somewhere, and a robot with an irritatingly soft voice has taken over. The robot, too, will continue to be directed by Sonia Gandhi, so as such, robot or MS, what's the difference. Pshaw.


Shivraj Patil


Psychological twin: Celine Jaitley. (The philosophy is, if you suck at what you do, you ought to at least pay attention to your clothes - they'll draw attention away from your work. Unfortunately, thi
s works for Celina, and pretty much backfires for Mr. Patil.)

When he says:
I will resign if that is what the government wants.

What he really means is:
Damn you, Sonia Gandhi, for kicking me out. Manmohan bhaisaab, inko kuch bolte kyun nahi?!

Current status: Unemployed.



RR Patil

Psychological twin: Shah Rukh Khan in DDLJ.
(H-e-e-e-y, senorita... bade bade deshon mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hai...)

When he says (yesterday):
There is no question of resignation, that is unnecessary.

What he really means is (today):
I am willingly tendering my resignation.

Current status: Unemployed.


Vilasrao Deshmukh


Psychological twin: Are you kidding me? There's only one VD.

When he says:
Ram Gopal Verma's presence at the Taj was a coincidence...
What he really means is:
He promised to make me his hero! Dammit! Ritu, beta...

Wh
en he says: Development took priority over security.
What he really means is:
C'mon. You pay more than 50% of the nation's taxes, have some sense. Obviously you can't have both.
*Channel [V] Bai voice*
Itne
paise mein b
hi itnaich milenga...

Current status: Unemployed, no movie offers, not much goodwill. Aww.

Raj Thackeray

Psychological twin: Your school bully

When he says: ... *silence*

What he really means is: Damn. There goes my region-politics. What to do now? What to do now? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Current status: The object of a few hundred SMSes and jibes on TV, Mr. Thackery was last seen hiding under his bed and sobbing to himself, "But I just wanted everyone to like me! Mommyyyyyy!"

L.K. Advani

Psychological twin: Moody teenager with a drugs problem.

When he says:
Manmohan Singh & I will fly to Bombay together
What he really means is:
I'm hoping you're not there at the airport with your cameras tomorrow. I can't stand that guy.

When he says:
The nation will stand together at a time like this.
What he really means is: The nation will... but, d-uh, we won't. What? You seriously thought I'd be nice to the Congress for a change? * Walks away humming "Aisa mauka phir kahaan milegaaaa..." *

When he says:
Jinnah was secular.
What he really means is: Just like my party.

Current status: Hasn't been this happy since his last
rath-yatra. Breaks into a little dance every once in a while.


Narendra Modi

Psychological twin: What a scary thought.

When he says:
1 crore compensation for Hemant Karkare's widow.

What he really means is:
Make me PM! Please!

Current status: Continues to rule over Gujarat. Will keep up attempts to barge into other states at crisis-time and shamelessly lie and manipulate, till, of course, he becomes PM. Then he will love all humanity. (Just imagine.)


Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi


Psychological twin: The old fogey in your colony with rather strict ideas on what girls should do, at whom everyone laughs.

When he says:
Some women wearing lipstick and powder have taken to streets in Mumbai and are abusing politicians spreading dissatisfaction against democracy. This is what terrorists are doing in Jammu and Kashmir.

What he really means is:
The ladies in lipstick hate the government, the terrorists hate the government. We can't control the ladies in lipstick, we can't control the terrorists. Hence, they are the same. (QED, hahahahaha.)

Current status: Was last seen in some press studio being bashed by the media. Was also heard asking the same media to let him stay there for the night. (Lipsticked ladies were waiting outside, you see.)

"In politics, stupidity is not a handicap."
- Napolean Bonaparte

---------------------

Because this blog is crap. And because I don't want to trivialise the blasts (any further) by discussing them on this blog.

PS- Something I've wanted to say for a long time. Facebook is a social networking site. Not a Voice of the Youth. Not a platform for change. Facebook exists to provide you your daily quota of entertainment. Not to Save The Earth, or Save Tibet, or Save Mumbai. Because it doesn't do any of those things. Can we start differentiating between our lives on Facebook and our real lives, please?

(Yes, I know blogs don't save anything either. But at least there's the hope that somewhere, someone
could just write something that forces you to think.)

---------------------

Added later (thanks to Peru & NDTV): If there was any doubt in your mind that our politicians our among the most WTF politicians in the world, we present - the Kerala CM. Sometimes words fail me.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mudra,
Since a long time, I've a secret list of people I'd go really out of my way for if they needed me to help with something major in their life. This list includes those who've overwhelmed me with among other things, their sense of humour...

While reading this post I knew you've become the newest addition to the list.

Thank you babes! :)

Much warmth,
Me.

My3 said...

Was googling Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi+lipstick+ram gopal verma to know wot really was going on and found your blog in the search results. Checked out this post and found it quite funny (and poignant) so thot i'd let u no.

Over Rated said...

Dude ... this is brilliant and hilarious ... And after I read the last part I just wanted to applaud.

Also, is "ladies wearing lipstick and powder" the new "putting lipstick on a pig??" ....

Pratz said...

funny...

Vetrimagal said...

Sad but seems like most of the descriptions do fit!

God do we deserve such leaders! It is our inaction, the educated class not voicing our opinions strongly has led to this state of affairs.

Let us do small things for a start to change this.

Asterix said...

Totally agree with the Facebook stupidity! "Light a candle" or "Save [insert city name]" seem like punchlines from wannabes. Geez! these cretins really piss me off!!

Peru said...

Sad but true, no? Damn funny dude!

Aji aisa mauka phir kahan milega? Hamare jaisa star kahan milega? Aao tumko dikhlaata hoon Palace ki ek rangeen shaam. Dekho dekho dekho dekho dekhoo - RGV in Palace!

VD was humming this one ;)

Oh and yeh, like FB can help. But at least it managed to get 1000 people to attend the Peace march at Carter road. Bleh. Blogs will save us.. :D

spruhal said...

I've never seen you so angry in my life. Well written.

Discrete Kestrel said...

This is an excellent post...

zoram said...

really good piece :)
hey! cant seem to find any sharing engine on ur blog. y dnt u put up something like Tell-a-Friend so that visitor like me can share ur posts with frens thru mails,IMs,blogs,socialnetworking sites etc...u cn simply register on www.socialtwist.com Do check it out :)

Dreamcatcher said...

This was sharp and biting. And made for excellent reading :)

Mudra said...

@Anon: Thank you, I really appreciate that. :) (And all the leverage you've been giving my blog :D)

@Vetrimagal: Small and big. :)

@Rahul: I know! It's as if they've done their duty by joining the group, soothed their conscience and gone back to life as usual!

@Peru: Heh... The joke's on VD now... Crazy moron...

@Spruhal: Thanks. And I don't think I've been.

@My3, Overrated, Pratik, Discrete Kestrel, zoram, Dreamcatcher: Thank you! :)

curlyconman said...

Yeah Yeah...Showy Status updates and joining groups seeing that other people have joined them are all very superficial and phony.No doubt about it.
But then,come to think about it.Not everyone is technically and mentally equipped like us bloggers to vent their anger by the medium of biting satirical posts on their respective online journals.
Such ghastly acts inevitably provide fodder for conversation to people unaffected by it(and, needless to say,lead to media sensationalism).People like you and I can blog about it and go back to our lives as usual.The others,they chat,comment,pontificate and speculate on such incidents and go back to their lives as usual.

Sorry,long comment.

Menaka said...

Everytime u comment on my blog. i come here to see wats latest and wonder why the hell do i not come here more often...

Brilliant!!!

Jack said...

really good... very nice... had a good laugh

Trailblazer said...

This was really good. Hillarious.