June 21, 2009

The Dummies' Guide to Driving

(I've been driving for 2 years or more now. On Bombay roads. And I've had zero accidents. That ought to tell you how good I am. :D)

1. Everyone on the road should have been placed in an aslyum 17 years ago.

2. There is no such thing as a sidewalk/footpath. The road, lanes and parking space are all extensions of a footpath. So even if someone is crazy enough to walk in the middle of the road and you bump into him - you're a drunk driver and ought to go to jail.

3. If you have an accident, it doesn't matter who did it. All that matters is who is richer. If you're in a car, for example, and you hit a pedestrian (no matter how deranged he is), you did it. If you're in a Mercedes and you hit a bike that was speeding like nobody's business on a busy street - you did it. So it's also good to keep in mind - if you are a really bad driver, it's best to drive around Juhu. You'll crash into a rich dude and make him pay for the repairs because the crowd that gathers on a hot afternoon, well, just hates him, in his AC car.

4. The horn does not say "Let me go first" or "Move on" or "Choose a lane and stick to it, goddamit!" (Though those are interpretations.) The horn is simply a power tool. Whoever toots it first can do whatever the hell he wants, and later say, "Arre lekin horn toh bajaya! Sunayi nahi deta kya?" (People will justify anything from cutting lanes at 80 kmph to crashing into you, with this line.)

5. Children will run across roads like it's their playground. So when you see anyone below 15 years even 10 feet away, slow down. A child being halfwitted is still not reason enough to land him in hospital. Also note that if a person playing gully cricket runs backwards towards you to take a catch, you must at least stop, if you don't have the heart to cheer.

6. An upraised hand means stop. It doesn't matter if someone puts their hand up at the exact minute when the signal goes green. You wait for them to amble across their property (you're just a trespasser on the roads, you honking irritating creature) and then you drive on.

7. Zebra crossings are paint on roads, and nothing more.

8. Every time someone waves their hands at you furiously in a "WHAT THE HELL" gesture, you do it right back.

9. Your prime enemies are: Buses, trucks, bikes, scooters, bicycles and pedestrians. The 1st 2, because they own the road. The last, because no matter what they do, you will be blamed for the consequences.

10. An autorickshaw can fit anywhere. Period.

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Hellew, yes, I'm back. Major thanks to the people who told me to blog. I have such dedicated readers. Aww. I love you all, and there's lots of India TV, SRK-bashing, AB-phooing, crap-discussing coming your way.

And since I'm back after exams, here's a thought on my education - or anyone's, for that matter (and because I'm back after exams, duh, it's got to be scientifically presented):

(Click for better resolution)


Random Thought of the Day - (I know elections are over and all that, but I'm blogging after so long, no?) The Bachchan parivaar supports Samajwadi Party, yes? So leave aside the fact that they would vote for a party that's going, "Down with computers, down with English!" (How come no one shouts, "Down with Karan Johar!"), considering they live in Andheri, do they vote for Abu Azmi?
(I realise that I just discussed the Bachchan parivaar's voting tendencies. This clearly puts me just half a notch higher than India TV which has an all-consuming interest in AB Sr's cough.)