June 21, 2009

The Dummies' Guide to Driving

(I've been driving for 2 years or more now. On Bombay roads. And I've had zero accidents. That ought to tell you how good I am. :D)

1. Everyone on the road should have been placed in an aslyum 17 years ago.

2. There is no such thing as a sidewalk/footpath. The road, lanes and parking space are all extensions of a footpath. So even if someone is crazy enough to walk in the middle of the road and you bump into him - you're a drunk driver and ought to go to jail.

3. If you have an accident, it doesn't matter who did it. All that matters is who is richer. If you're in a car, for example, and you hit a pedestrian (no matter how deranged he is), you did it. If you're in a Mercedes and you hit a bike that was speeding like nobody's business on a busy street - you did it. So it's also good to keep in mind - if you are a really bad driver, it's best to drive around Juhu. You'll crash into a rich dude and make him pay for the repairs because the crowd that gathers on a hot afternoon, well, just hates him, in his AC car.

4. The horn does not say "Let me go first" or "Move on" or "Choose a lane and stick to it, goddamit!" (Though those are interpretations.) The horn is simply a power tool. Whoever toots it first can do whatever the hell he wants, and later say, "Arre lekin horn toh bajaya! Sunayi nahi deta kya?" (People will justify anything from cutting lanes at 80 kmph to crashing into you, with this line.)

5. Children will run across roads like it's their playground. So when you see anyone below 15 years even 10 feet away, slow down. A child being halfwitted is still not reason enough to land him in hospital. Also note that if a person playing gully cricket runs backwards towards you to take a catch, you must at least stop, if you don't have the heart to cheer.

6. An upraised hand means stop. It doesn't matter if someone puts their hand up at the exact minute when the signal goes green. You wait for them to amble across their property (you're just a trespasser on the roads, you honking irritating creature) and then you drive on.

7. Zebra crossings are paint on roads, and nothing more.

8. Every time someone waves their hands at you furiously in a "WHAT THE HELL" gesture, you do it right back.

9. Your prime enemies are: Buses, trucks, bikes, scooters, bicycles and pedestrians. The 1st 2, because they own the road. The last, because no matter what they do, you will be blamed for the consequences.

10. An autorickshaw can fit anywhere. Period.

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Hellew, yes, I'm back. Major thanks to the people who told me to blog. I have such dedicated readers. Aww. I love you all, and there's lots of India TV, SRK-bashing, AB-phooing, crap-discussing coming your way.

And since I'm back after exams, here's a thought on my education - or anyone's, for that matter (and because I'm back after exams, duh, it's got to be scientifically presented):

(Click for better resolution)


Random Thought of the Day - (I know elections are over and all that, but I'm blogging after so long, no?) The Bachchan parivaar supports Samajwadi Party, yes? So leave aside the fact that they would vote for a party that's going, "Down with computers, down with English!" (How come no one shouts, "Down with Karan Johar!"), considering they live in Andheri, do they vote for Abu Azmi?
(I realise that I just discussed the Bachchan parivaar's voting tendencies. This clearly puts me just half a notch higher than India TV which has an all-consuming interest in AB Sr's cough.)

13 comments:

Avantika A. said...

Welcome back!

I totally empathise about the pedestrians and two wheelers...im driving around in Rajasthan where almost every one on two wheels (which is almost everyone) is suicidal and attracted to my car! I dont think i have cussed as much as i have here!

I even shocked the local population by jumping out of my car and verbally attacking a biker who decided he just had to crash into my car...i would smacked him but his mother went filmy on me!

Mihir said...

I'm so tempted to crack a lady driver joke here, but I figure that would not be a safe thing to do :P

On a separate note, love the venn diagram :)

Asterix said...

Good to have you back! :)

Btw, the horn is much more than a power tool. For example, people honk when they have had a really good day and wish to share that with their fellow drivers. Or when they spot a fundoo girl and wish to convey their readiness for mating in the next 20 minutes.

arayans said...

You seem to have perfected the art of writing stuff we all know, and doing so in a way that invariably leaves us smiling.
Good, for sure!

Still, i'll like to stand in anticipation for a day when you choose to put this flair to some serious constructive use - surely, u know what i speak of.

look at me, i sound boring and all. aww!

Peru said...

Heyllow! Dude, how do you know so much about road accidents without having had one (Touche to that, btw)? And this reminds me of the Juhu-7am drive-charsi. Kya fatti thi uss din :P

Good. You cheer for gully cricket fielders? You should! And I love giving the "WHAT THE HELL" gesture to every motorist, you know that! :D

No no, your enemies are buses (runs away) & pedestrians. Biggest & smallest (yet biggest).

Arey should I still learn driving?

Jhayu said...

Yay! you blogged!
And speaking of India TV, did you see today's special about the jeevit mummy, a Buddhist monk who went into yog 547 years ago and may suddenly come back to life in his rotting corpse?


@ Mihir.
Dude, you haven't seen WHAT she drives. Think really hard before you make that joke.

aditi said...

haha..i don't know why i stopped reading.. i think because you stopped coming online. even i want a chocolate dude.. good stuff. you've never scratched the car?!? :O:O maybe i'll drive next to you sometime.. *muhuhahaha*
funny stuff. i love you.

spruhal said...

Muddu: You forgot something - THE 'HAATHGAADI'. Haven't you ever encountered one of those not clearing the lane for you?

Pratz said...

Aha...u blogged....naaaice...

I like the set diagram in the end...its soo damn true....

Pratz said...

Aha...u blogged....naaaice...

I like the set diagram in the end...its soo damn true....

Abhishek said...

Disagree with your opening statement! Just driving in Bombay you claim to master the roads? Come to Hyderabad and prove your might :D

Very nice post!

Karan said...

completely agree! I've gotten back to driving in India after a year in the US and everytime I wonder "why the hell are there little white dashes all over the road if no one keeps between them>!" Well, that and the random cutting across with a horn as an apology or a "just for formality's sake, i have now tooted the horn"...

Welcome back btw

Brendan said...

Heyllow! Dude, how do you know so much about road accidents without having had one (Touche to that, btw)? And this reminds me of the Juhu-7am drive- charsi . Kya fatti thi uss din :P Good. You cheer for gully cricket fielders? You should! And I love giving the "WHAT THE HELL" gesture to every motorist, you know that! :D No no, your enemies are buses (runs away) & pedestrians. Biggest & smallest (yet biggest). Arey should I still learn driving?