February 13, 2010

I'm Setting Up My Own Mob

And everyone is welcome.

My mob (name suggestions are welcome) basically protests against bad movies. Here's how it works.

The Quality Clause:
Suppose the mob strength at a given point in time is 20. All 20 will watch all movies there exist on the first day of opening. If 20% of the mob (i.e. 4 people) think that "Prince" is bad, we will stone the theatre, the buildings aren't the theatre, burn a few effigies, break a few glasses and force the theatre to stop showing "Prince".

If 20% of the mob thinks SRK should be banned from hamming any more, we, of course, will not allow anyone to screen My Name is Khan, or even, for that matter, Dulha Mil Gaya. As Founder, I have 2 votes, so if even 2 people in the mob have a problem with SRK, I add my 2 votes to that and boom! The only thing you can watch this weekend is Rahul ka Swayamwar re-runs.

The Morality Clause:
If 50% of the mob (i.e. 10 people in the current example) thinks that Hrithik Roshan, owing to the rumours about being unfaithful, should not release Kites, we will shut down theatres that show Kites too. (It will break my heart, believe me, but we're a democracy. Nothing, in fact, is more democratic than a mob where everyone is free to break as many things as they want.)

The Alternate Censor Board Clause:
If 10% of the mob (at the risk of sounding like a math teacher, I mean 2 people here) would rather not watch a particular 'U' movie with their kids, we stone theatres until they start asking for ID proof for a 'U' movie. No, we will not let the children of our country forget their values and watch people kissing in theatres. Let them do that at home when they log onto the Internet.

The Naw-I-Just-Don't-Like-You-Clause:
If 30% of the mob (6 people) don't like Amitabh Bachchan, sorry, Paa gets outta the movie theatres. The only way out, here, is for AB Sr. to issue a public statement saying that he apologises for us not liking him. Then Jaya Bachchan, AB Jr, Aishwarya Rai and Amar Singh all apologise to us for liking him when we don't. Then maybe (maybe) we let Paa get screened.


All proposals for shutting down will be reviewed each Friday and we will ensure that we break, stone and burn at least 2 movies each Friday. Language no bar.

Spread the good word. Whatever our reasons for breaking theatres are, they'll be better than the ones that the Vaanar Sena is currently using. :)

February 08, 2010

What Can You Say

About this?

That it is sickening if, even today, girls are being killed by their families for talking to another kid.

That I hope they hang the father, and the grandfather, and anyone else who was part of this.

I hope they cut off each limb and whip them before they hang them.

I hope they stab them - not enough to kill them - just before they hang them.

I hope the hanging is public and covered by the media. Uncensored.

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I hope you know it happens in parts of India as well. Google it.

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February 04, 2010

Dear Movie Makers*

Will you please stop calling everyone in any damn song any or all of the following:
soniye, mahiya, kudiye, ranjana, soneya, heeriye

Will you kindly also stop using:
hadippa, balle balle, gal, tennu, menu, sadda, tvada, oho, aha

Will you please quit:
fake overdone Punjabi accents for all characters, scenes of lehlehate fields of sunflowers, tractors, bright gaudy silk clothes for background dancers, calling all grandmothers "bebe", calling all children "puttar"

Will you please understand that the following are not mandatory:
a bhangra song, an aged grandmother, dumb happy sardars

And will you kindly:
Do something to undo the wrongs you've done to the people of Punjab by portraying them all to be so dumb and loud (come on, even the frikkin' stars of the movies are loud and dumb)**, realise other states exist, realise that state identity is losing its damn significance anyway (especially when you make cool-hip-oh-so-urban movies), give up on singing the damn glories of khets

No, really. I know Punjab rocks. I know the people out there rock. I know they overflow with kindness, happiness, love, generosity and every virtue anyone ever invented. I know they all sing wonderfully, and dance amazingly, and are the most shiny and beautiful people God ever created. I know that they all supposedly have gore gaal, kaale baal and neeli aankhen - all part of our endearingly racist idea of love and beauty - and they can fall in lowe and express it like no one else. I know the parents are our favourite metaphor of the coconut - tough outside, soft inside, yada yada. I know the fathers are strict, the mothers are confidantes, the fathers come around, the parents are cool. I know lowe is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I know now that if you're Punjabi, you can see a woman's face for the first time and know you're in lowe with her (something that I thought happens only on Orkut). And what's more, the world and its cousins will conspire to help you get her. With a bhangra, a shaadi song, a baraat song, a sangeet song, a khet song, a mother's song and a dosti song somewhere in the middle. And when that picture of Punjabi perfection finally falls into your arms, I know you that tu tvadi jind odi baahon vich bitaana chahida hai. I know everything.

Now that you know that I know, will you please get over it?

Thanks a lot.***

*YRF, Karan Johar, Imtiaz Ali (you're cute dude, but there's a limit) - I mean you
**Come to think of it, I actually know very few smart and quiet ones. Do you?
***Ashutosh Gowariker, I appreciate you casting Harman Baweja as a guy called Yogesh Patel - he's a Yogesh Patel from head to toe, no doubt - but next time, could you do it in a good movie? :)

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Updated to add:

Dear Hard Kaur,
When you do that thing -appearing on screen all of a sudden, punching your fists in the air and putting on that mean-girl expression- my eyes and ears fight over who will explode first. Invariably, though, my brain wins.

Dear Gulzar, Prasoon Joshi & Amitabh Bhattacharya,
Thank you.

Dear All,
Why are grandfathers in such short supply? I mean, we seem to have a surplus of grandmothers - where're the grandpas?