February 04, 2010

Dear Movie Makers*

Will you please stop calling everyone in any damn song any or all of the following:
soniye, mahiya, kudiye, ranjana, soneya, heeriye

Will you kindly also stop using:
hadippa, balle balle, gal, tennu, menu, sadda, tvada, oho, aha

Will you please quit:
fake overdone Punjabi accents for all characters, scenes of lehlehate fields of sunflowers, tractors, bright gaudy silk clothes for background dancers, calling all grandmothers "bebe", calling all children "puttar"

Will you please understand that the following are not mandatory:
a bhangra song, an aged grandmother, dumb happy sardars

And will you kindly:
Do something to undo the wrongs you've done to the people of Punjab by portraying them all to be so dumb and loud (come on, even the frikkin' stars of the movies are loud and dumb)**, realise other states exist, realise that state identity is losing its damn significance anyway (especially when you make cool-hip-oh-so-urban movies), give up on singing the damn glories of khets

No, really. I know Punjab rocks. I know the people out there rock. I know they overflow with kindness, happiness, love, generosity and every virtue anyone ever invented. I know they all sing wonderfully, and dance amazingly, and are the most shiny and beautiful people God ever created. I know that they all supposedly have gore gaal, kaale baal and neeli aankhen - all part of our endearingly racist idea of love and beauty - and they can fall in lowe and express it like no one else. I know the parents are our favourite metaphor of the coconut - tough outside, soft inside, yada yada. I know the fathers are strict, the mothers are confidantes, the fathers come around, the parents are cool. I know lowe is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I know now that if you're Punjabi, you can see a woman's face for the first time and know you're in lowe with her (something that I thought happens only on Orkut). And what's more, the world and its cousins will conspire to help you get her. With a bhangra, a shaadi song, a baraat song, a sangeet song, a khet song, a mother's song and a dosti song somewhere in the middle. And when that picture of Punjabi perfection finally falls into your arms, I know you that tu tvadi jind odi baahon vich bitaana chahida hai. I know everything.

Now that you know that I know, will you please get over it?

Thanks a lot.***

*YRF, Karan Johar, Imtiaz Ali (you're cute dude, but there's a limit) - I mean you
**Come to think of it, I actually know very few smart and quiet ones. Do you?
***Ashutosh Gowariker, I appreciate you casting Harman Baweja as a guy called Yogesh Patel - he's a Yogesh Patel from head to toe, no doubt - but next time, could you do it in a good movie? :)

--------------------------

Updated to add:

Dear Hard Kaur,
When you do that thing -appearing on screen all of a sudden, punching your fists in the air and putting on that mean-girl expression- my eyes and ears fight over who will explode first. Invariably, though, my brain wins.

Dear Gulzar, Prasoon Joshi & Amitabh Bhattacharya,
Thank you.

Dear All,
Why are grandfathers in such short supply? I mean, we seem to have a surplus of grandmothers - where're the grandpas?


14 comments:

NightWatchmen said...

Aah but it seems like you have not caught the latest release Ishqiya. In fact of some of the most memorable movies (to me at least) do not really have any such problems (Manorama Six Feet Under, Dor, Omkara etc etc)

Peru said...

Hahaha.. That's why we'll watch KCK, which will have a very non-Punjabi Farhan in it.

But imagine what DDLJ, KHNH, KKHH & the other classics (did I just call them classics? Now I'm definitely old) would be without references to the granary of India & its vaddey dil waaley people!

Haddippa! :D

By the way, does Shrey have anything to do with this post? :P

Pratz said...

hahahahahahahaha

Surkhi said...

I am half a Punjabi, but enjoyed your post "fully".

I don't know why but our grandfathers die before our grandmothers, I think its got to do with the virtue bit, no man who is that good, is going to last that long.

:)

awesome post!

Curlyconman said...

Haha! Nice. The 'Hard Kaur' part was particularly funny. :D

Mudra said...

@Nightwatchmen: No, no. NONE (and I mean NONE) of these Punjabi-stereotype movies are good. They succeed, but we need them just as much as we need a drill in the brain.

@Peru - DDLJ started it, I think. And yeah, I can imagine what those "classics" (KKHH? Ew!) would be without the Punjabi stereotype - they'd be good. :D

@Pratz, Surkhi: Thanks! :)

@Curlyconman: That's because Hard Kaur is the most easy person on this planet to make fun of. :D Really! Look at the woman!

Over Rated said...

The whole post is simply perfect.

They use Hard Kaur videos to make terror suspects spill the beans.

Although, I'm pretty sure it's against the Geneva convention.


wv: hyplu, which I'm pretty sure is a punjabi abbreviation for something.

Ketan said...

LOL, particularly @ "its" in "and its cousins". No, no, I do not mean that was a typo. I liked it. :)

I share the same grievances with over-Punjabization; had never thought blogging about it could help. ;)

Ketan said...

I wasn't knowing who Hard Kaur was. I just saw her pics with passionate poses she strikes, and I now know why the competition between your various body parts. :D

Ayan M said...

awesome post!!

Anonymous said...

the grandfathers are all passed out in the Great Theka in the Sky, cos the 24x7 cuteness of their wives drove them to drink. :D

where are the snarky, evil grandmommas, yo? I really can't see myself being that nice, even at age 163.

-Spaz Kumari

The Quirky Indian said...

Very well said! :-)

And let's thank Abhishek Chaubey as well.

Cheers,

Quirky Indian

Aditi said...

LMAO! I loved it. They really should get over the punjabi mania. Also, you watched What's your Rashee???

mrigankwarrier said...

that's it. you are way too good. am adding you to my blogroll. not that it means much. bur u'r good. really.