Will you please stop calling everyone in any damn song any or all of the following:
soniye, mahiya, kudiye, ranjana, soneya, heeriye
Will you kindly also stop using:
hadippa, balle balle, gal, tennu, menu, sadda, tvada, oho, aha
Will you please quit:
fake overdone Punjabi accents for all characters, scenes of lehlehate fields of sunflowers, tractors, bright gaudy silk clothes for background dancers, calling all grandmothers "bebe", calling all children "puttar"
Will you please understand that the following are not mandatory:
a bhangra song, an aged grandmother, dumb happy sardars
And will you kindly:
Do something to undo the wrongs you've done to the people of Punjab by portraying them all to be so dumb and loud (come on, even the frikkin' stars of the movies are loud and dumb)**, realise other states exist, realise that state identity is losing its damn significance anyway (especially when you make cool-hip-oh-so-urban movies), give up on singing the damn glories of khets
No, really. I know Punjab rocks. I know the people out there rock. I know they overflow with kindness, happiness, love, generosity and every virtue anyone ever invented. I know they all sing wonderfully, and dance amazingly, and are the most shiny and beautiful people God ever created. I know that they all supposedly have gore gaal, kaale baal and neeli aankhen - all part of our endearingly racist idea of love and beauty - and they can fall in lowe and express it like no one else. I know the parents are our favourite metaphor of the coconut - tough outside, soft inside, yada yada. I know the fathers are strict, the mothers are confidantes, the fathers come around, the parents are cool. I know lowe is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I know now that if you're Punjabi, you can see a woman's face for the first time and know you're in lowe with her (something that I thought happens only on Orkut). And what's more, the world and its cousins will conspire to help you get her. With a bhangra, a shaadi song, a baraat song, a sangeet song, a khet song, a mother's song and a dosti song somewhere in the middle. And when that picture of Punjabi perfection finally falls into your arms, I know you that tu tvadi jind odi baahon vich bitaana chahida hai. I know everything.
Now that you know that I know, will you please get over it?
Thanks a lot.***
*YRF, Karan Johar, Imtiaz Ali (you're cute dude, but there's a limit) - I mean you
**Come to think of it, I actually know very few smart and quiet ones. Do you?
***Ashutosh Gowariker, I appreciate you casting Harman Baweja as a guy called Yogesh Patel - he's a Yogesh Patel from head to toe, no doubt - but next time, could you do it in a good movie? :)
Updated to add:
Dear Hard Kaur,
When you do that thing -appearing on screen all of a sudden, punching your fists in the air and putting on that mean-girl expression- my eyes and ears fight over who will explode first. Invariably, though, my brain wins.
Dear Gulzar, Prasoon Joshi & Amitabh Bhattacharya,
Why are grandfathers in such short supply? I mean, we seem to have a surplus of grandmothers - where're the grandpas?