February 13, 2010

I'm Setting Up My Own Mob

And everyone is welcome.

My mob (name suggestions are welcome) basically protests against bad movies. Here's how it works.

The Quality Clause:
Suppose the mob strength at a given point in time is 20. All 20 will watch all movies there exist on the first day of opening. If 20% of the mob (i.e. 4 people) think that "Prince" is bad, we will stone the theatre, the buildings aren't the theatre, burn a few effigies, break a few glasses and force the theatre to stop showing "Prince".

If 20% of the mob thinks SRK should be banned from hamming any more, we, of course, will not allow anyone to screen My Name is Khan, or even, for that matter, Dulha Mil Gaya. As Founder, I have 2 votes, so if even 2 people in the mob have a problem with SRK, I add my 2 votes to that and boom! The only thing you can watch this weekend is Rahul ka Swayamwar re-runs.

The Morality Clause:
If 50% of the mob (i.e. 10 people in the current example) thinks that Hrithik Roshan, owing to the rumours about being unfaithful, should not release Kites, we will shut down theatres that show Kites too. (It will break my heart, believe me, but we're a democracy. Nothing, in fact, is more democratic than a mob where everyone is free to break as many things as they want.)

The Alternate Censor Board Clause:
If 10% of the mob (at the risk of sounding like a math teacher, I mean 2 people here) would rather not watch a particular 'U' movie with their kids, we stone theatres until they start asking for ID proof for a 'U' movie. No, we will not let the children of our country forget their values and watch people kissing in theatres. Let them do that at home when they log onto the Internet.

The Naw-I-Just-Don't-Like-You-Clause:
If 30% of the mob (6 people) don't like Amitabh Bachchan, sorry, Paa gets outta the movie theatres. The only way out, here, is for AB Sr. to issue a public statement saying that he apologises for us not liking him. Then Jaya Bachchan, AB Jr, Aishwarya Rai and Amar Singh all apologise to us for liking him when we don't. Then maybe (maybe) we let Paa get screened.

All proposals for shutting down will be reviewed each Friday and we will ensure that we break, stone and burn at least 2 movies each Friday. Language no bar.

Spread the good word. Whatever our reasons for breaking theatres are, they'll be better than the ones that the Vaanar Sena is currently using. :)


Over Rated said...

If you promise to also protest Chetan Bhagat books then count me in, fella!!


Surkhi said...

and you said Vaanar sena only once!

arayans said...

i'm in.

as a side thought: given that 'shiv' sena and 'ram' sena are taken, how does 'bramh' sena sound? i mean, it's logical no? this'll complete a holy trimurti of asshole-ism in this nation..

Asterix said...

Me me me! Over here! Pick me!

I also propose an all-but-one clause, wherein if an awesome movie (according to x% of the mob) is currently playing, then all the _other_ theaters and screens shall be stoned.

rehab said...

I am setting up an online mob that opposes your mob. I will sit in a chair and create Facebook groups against your mob.I will get a hashtag to trend on twitter. I will also write meaningless blogposts about politics.
I am also hiring.
(Such an outpouring of jobs I tell you. We are working towards national youth employment this way)
And how,just how can this nationalist sentiment end without 'Jai Ho'?
Also just to sound cool, can I add ' We rock!'?

オテモヤン said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rakesh said...

I'm just another indifferent common NRI. So go ahead, I'll have fun watching you on News Channels and discussing you over cocktail parties on the pretext of discussing our beloved country :)

Btw, I think the Chinese love this idea as well :) I think the above is a list of movies they want you to protest against. Isn't a 'Protest analyst' a nice title to have. You've earned it dude.

Curlyconman said...

The Blatant Rip-off clause?

Why should Mahesh uncle and his hollywood aping-bandwagon benefit from our mob?

Lets not make any exceptions. Please.

And wouldn't 'Protest Catalyst' be a more suitable title?

P.S: The chinese 'lowe' our mob already. I think they've come here for an acquisition. :D

Aditi said...

Also, you should.. for REAL. I'm in.