April 23, 2011

On the Marvels of Modern Movie-Making


So thanks to the World Cup, school exams and IPL and god-knows-what-else, the movie industry has either been releasing nothing or launching one dud after another. Hollywood also, for some reason, has been sending rubbish our way. Dum Maaro Dum comes at a time when people are sick of looking at Telugu and animated movies on BookMyShow. And frankly, its timing is probably the only reason it'll do well. Smart.

The movie-makers would have you believe that Deepika Padukone is in this movie. After all, she shows up at those press things, and talks on every damn channel about it.

Don't buy it.

The woman's there, in a 4-minute item number which would have been better if left to Yana Gupta. The lyrics would have been better if they were simply beeped out and a -1 track played.
(Side Note: Dear Padukone, With your kind of star power you couldn't spend your time on anything better than this song and holding a flask of cold coffee while you move?)

The movie-makers would also have you believe that this movie is stylish and a visual treat.

Maybe it is. But there is only so much of drug-induced haze you're willing to tolerate on screen, especially when the story isn't moving the way it should.

The movie pretends to have a story and logic.

If the audience cared enough, it'd find the holes.

Someone streams live video in HD on an Edge connection.

I want.

The director takes Anurag Kashyap's style of filmmaking and adds his own spin to it, trying to make it *gritty* and *stylish*.

And good God, it is crass.

Bipasha Basu needs a comeback.

Unfortunately no one cares.

Abhishek Bachchan wants to prove he has more than 1 expression.

And he fails badly.

Vidya Balan should sue them. She has more screen time and more to do than Padukone. No mention or publicity to her.

Why? Haan? Tell why? (Answer: Movie-makers are mercenary idiots, and Padukone is publicity-hungry creature wonly, no sense of ethics left wonly in this industry, what to do, saar.)

-----------

This blog's popularity just went from 0 to negative, thanks to the Padukone comments. :D

Updated to add - Forgot to mention, Prateik is quite, quite brilliant yet again.

April 19, 2011

Before a wedding in Ahmedabad, someone got very very creative

To those of you who like Justin Bieber, and to those of you who are not Gujjus, this will not make sense.

To the rest, I think it's hilarious.

Here you go.

And yes, like every form of Indian/regional media recommended here, this too, is absolutely déclassé.

April 17, 2011

Food.

Every time someone uses the phrase "buttering up" (e.g. "X is just buttering up Y"), I immediately imagine Y being transformed (in a typical, Cartoon Network, poof! way) into a life-sized slice of hot golden-brown, toast; and X, hungry, holding a knife with a lot of Amul butter on it, spreading it lovingly on Y.

Then I want breakfast. Regardless of time of day.

April 12, 2011

Ladies,

Must you be so blonde?

Must you giggle and twirl and pretend to drop your little purse and then say "Oh I'm so clumsy yaa!"?

Must you match your bags with your outfits? And your nail paint, and your hairclips, and your belts? Must you wear the latest in London's fall collection, in India's summer?

Must you let your hair fall over your shoulders when it's 35 degrees? And flip and twirl and bunch up, only to let loose like a waterfall? Even when there are no men around?!

If you are model-thin, must you have a fat friend that you take everywhere? If you are regular weight, must you take one model-thin and one fat friend everywhere? What are you lot trying to be, a life-size before-after advertisement? And to the fat friend - find me, we shall hang. I eat everything so you don't have to be guilty every time you want fries. Seriously.

Must you wall each other on Facebook to make your evening plans? Can't you do it on BBM? (Come on, you all have "a BB yaa!")

Must you parade the nauseating spectacle of your communication with your "besties" and "dolls", with all its "muah babes" and "call me NOW" and song lyrics with little hearts in them? Why aren't you doing it on email or BBM or Facebook message? Is it because you think it's cute? Or because you think that the guys think it's cute?

Must you try to be cute at 20+?

Must you be silly and dumb? And those of you who aren't, must you try to pretend?!

I want to see what you look like in the mornings. Do you sleep with makeup on, in fitted designer clothes and a teddy bear from France that you've named something ridiculous?

I want you to not click pictures:
- in a loo. (Faucets and tissue and bathroom stalls, really?!)
- by pointing your own camera at a mirror. (Get your besties to do it, even if it means returning the favour by clicking 5 of the bestie)
- that are in fake-homo poses. (As they say, you're either there or not there. There is no middle.)
- that are taken at slumber parties which were held for the sole purpose of taking those pictures. (Whom are you kidding?)

I want to see you do something remotely useful. I want you to have a conversation that's not about yourself. And if the conversation is with a man, try and not make it about how smart he is.

I want you to cross the road by yourself, carry your bags yourself, drive yourself or use public transport, and for God's sake, stop expecting someone to rescue you.

Oh well. Wishful thinking.

And I'll do one about guys also, just wait. :P