May 23, 2011

And Gentlemen,

(The much-awaited follow-up to this post.)

Instead of posing rhetorical questions here, let me list it down, plain and simple, in point form, so that the meanest of intelligences can comprehend. What's that? Oh yes, I mean the women. Obviously. Naturally. I mean, what else could I possibly mean?!

#5 - Being sure ("Abbey, 100%! 200%! Bol raha hoon yaar!") all the time

So, someone told you that you must come across as assertive and confident. So far, so good.

Unfortunately those people didn't realise that they've created:
- Boys who step out of exam halls and:
> Compare with each other - thereby getting into fights. (Abbey saale, pagal ho gaya hai kya, yeh toh 155 nahi, 206 tha! Tu toh gaya!)
> Compare with girls - thereby causing girls to think they are failing. (C? Are you mad? That's D! And the next one? No it isn't H2SO4, it's H2S! I'm 100% sure re, I saw it this morning only!)
- Men who won't ask for guidance at work because they've got it all figured out - until the day the kicking of the posterior begins. After this, to their credit, they catch on quickly.
- Guys who make decisions on impulses. Why? Because being indecisive is not macho. Sure, it's okay to make the wrong decision, at least you made it quickly. Yay!

#4 - Telling me how much you work

So, someone told you that hard work is important. And a thing to be appreciated.

Unfortunately those people didn't realise that they've created:
- Guys who begin their internships, and crib.
- Guys who work 15 days out of 30, and crib.
- Guys who crib about having to work 9-hour days... in a 2-month internship.

And the worst of all - guys who seem to think that the rest of the world is on vacation, and they're the only ones working. Really, Einstein?

Don't get me wrong. Those of you who work at regular jobs, should crib. I mean, we all hate that, don't we? But to those of you who have just begun working - pick your audience. We're not in the 1950's any more, when you could tell a woman about how much you work in office and she'd be instantly impressed and want to make you a hot meal. Everyone works. It's kind of necessary, since we all want BMWs. So use your "thak gaya yaar" line on the liberal arts graduate who hasn't ever interned. It might just work.

Everywhere else - I think not. (Especially with your wife, if she works. All you'll get is a list of all the things she does around the house in addition to working, and maybe she'll eat your half of the takeout paneer tikka pizza simply to spite you. Yes, I know what you're thinking, having a little money of their own corrupts everyone.)

#3 - Saying "Sachin is God" all the time

Yes, cricket is an important part of Indian culture.

But every time you do that, I imagine about a thousand zombies rising from a graveyard, in perfect sync, and walking towards Wankhede chanting "Sachin is God. Sachin is God. Sachin is God." in unison. Eventually you (the zombies) are just standing around, looking silly, still saying "Sachin is God."

So, erm, don't do that? Find a new line. Or something.

#2 - Clicking on anything that has certain keywords in it

I won't go into the details of the keywords. This is a family blog. Let it suffice to say that in spite of the raging Facebook spam all around you, and the various things you could learn from an experience, you seem to be clicking on the same links again and again. It's as if your memory of previous scams is erased the minute you see the golden words. My home page is littered with the tales of your follies, and all it tells me is that your interests -your business alone until now- are now public information.

Do something. Stick a post-it over your monitor. Or, well, simply find restaurants that actually serve your dishes, instead of looking for baked beans in a can of worms.

#1 - Bullshitting people who aren't your boss

See, everyone knows when you're bullshitting. And everyone deals with it in their own way. Your boss usually has 3 options - he could call you a bullshitter, he could say nothing but make a mental note for the next performance appraisal, or he could see a little bit of himself in you.

Everyone else, unfortunately, is faced by a singular predicament - we can't say you're bullshitting, because that's rude. But when we're forced to listen, we're troubled by an overwhelming urge to:
- Point and laugh
- Punch you
- Both
(There's also the option of do-nothing-and-laugh-about-it-with-friends-later, but that's irrelevant here, because everyone's doing that all the time anyway. Trust me.)

So, coming back. When you know nothing about a subject, hacking together an article from Wall Street Journal, and chapter 1 of macro-economics doesn't make you the expert. Psychology isn't what you see on Oprah combined with the articles you read in Bombay Times. Photography isn't just what you do with your camera. (Yes, even if it's an SLR.)

The world is a complex, complex place. When you try to explain it, to people who understand it a little better than you, in gross simplifications, that are based on someone else's thoughts... you're bullshitting. Don't do it. No one's being fooled. I'm sorry, but you had to know.


Ani said...

Awesome post. I can see the grumpiness exploding in well-aimed directions :P
Also, liberal arts graduate who hasn't ever interned, present.

Abhishek said...

Brilliant! I was trying to find which ones I fit in. But obviously I won't tell you the result :D

Princess Swetu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pankaj said...

Lady, you have been blog-rolled on my Google Reader. :)
You seem to be at the cross-roads of being reasonably sensible and incredibly funny. A rare mixture in fact. Keep them coming! :)


The Obscure Intellect said...

And the last para to sum it all :)

Anonymous said...

Yawn !!!