December 08, 2011

On Avoiding the Kolaveri

Yo boys, gather around.

Every now and then you wail about how all girls are horrible to you.

Now I draw your attention to 2 facts:
1. All girls cannot be horrible, so maybe you are chasing the wrong ones?
2. Your lack of guile (and very often, stupidity) in these matters often lets you down.

Alright. That's the disclaimer.

Now let me say that I do agree with you. Most girls are horrible. In fact, the only time they're not horrible to you is when you're way out of their league. In which case they're being wonderfully nice to you, but you're just not noticing.

Why are most girls horrible to you? Well, research shows that at every stage in your friendship / courtship / anything-in-the-middle, there's ample opportunity for girls to be horrible. Ah, why keep saying horrible. Bitches be crazy. It's true.
There are various categories of girls, but most of them have the ability to be bitches at the drop of a hat.

The Girl Who Won't Put a Label On It

Everyone enjoys the "chase". However, if you've been in the chase for 6 months now and still have no idea where you stand, be assured, you're not the only one. And your chances of winning (if she ever admits to such a thing) depend on the quality of the competition, your unflinching regular phone calls, your unwavering commitment to her shopping and your periodic subtle hints on how you're so crazy about her.

Obviously, it takes an extremely well-organised, patient (not to mention, completely jobless) man to do this. Ergo, no one can do this.

Interaction with other girls:
She's a bitch to them. Which is okay, most of them can respond in kind. This doesn't stop them from envying her for the variety of men willing to be strung along.

The Victim/Martyr

These ladies are constantly being wronged. By friends, by family, by boyfriends, by househelp, by colleagues... Everyone's a cruel perpetrator of mental trauma.

So you're lucky, because the sympathy card is easiest to deal with. Combined with the average man's constant desire to help and solve, this could really work out.

Until, of course, you hurt her by talking to another woman. Then you're the cruel perpetrator. And don't you dare forget that, for the next year or so. (Even if you do, there will be enough bad press about you -to all your friends and hers- to keep the memories alive.)

Interaction with other girls:
She's a bitch to them. Just not to their faces. Which is okay, most of them can respond in kind.

The Hypocrite

She lurrrrrveeess kids! Show her a baby and she will use her histrionic abilities to convince you that she'd make an excellent mommy.

She lurves your parents! She lurves you! She thinks you're oh so smart! She laughs at all the right jokes. She has only nice things to say about your friends.

To those of you to whom this has never happened, it's okay. Missing out an a particular category of bitch is not a catastrophe. Even if she's hot.

If this has happened to you... you, my dear man, are very, very, very rich.

Interaction with other girls:
You know how putting on an act can be very tiring? Well, she compensates for the fakeness by being completely herself with other girls. She's a bitch to them. Which is okay, most of them can respond in kind.

The Kitty Party Enthusiast

Those of you who think kitty party means 40-something married aunties with kids - please wake up and listen carefully. Every stage of life has kitty parties. They just have more upmarket names.

The girls with graduations who are looking for jobs, but with very little enthusiasm? The girls whose daily schedule reads: Wake up, go to gym, lunch with the girls, online research for job, drinks with the girls, dinner with a boy? The girls who choose a postgrad that makes them better marriageable material? The girls who "take a year off" after finishing a degree for which they studied for a month?

They collect in groups. And gossip. They discuss fashion, and boys, and shoes, and boys, and jewellery, and boys. For all practical purposes, this is a kitty party. There may be no card games, and the ladies are a lot hotter than kitty party aunties, but this is a kitty party.

Oh, they're beautiful. They have nice faces and exemplary make-up skills. Good metabolism and amazing love for the gym. If they are also nice to you, this simply means that they are both a KPE and a Hypocrite (see above). And of course, that you're very rich.

If they're not nice to you, don't worry. More time on their hands = more time to think about you. Before you date them, this translates to better chances of dating them. Once you're dating them, this translates to better chances of her getting rid of you.

Interaction with other girls:
She's a bitch to them. But it's very subtle, so subtle, in fact, that even the best male will say we're being paranoid. But female bitchiness is a learned concept for men, and an intuitive skill for women. So, please, let's trust the women on this. Either way, it's okay, most of them can respond in kind.

The PR Girl

She makes a sandwich, and it's on Facebook. She studies a new language, and it's applause-worthy. She takes off to an unheard-of university to do a diploma in something that no one cares about, and it's cause for celebration. But the biggest achievement is this - she's not even hot.

Whoa, right? How does she do it?

Painstaking PR and a few similar ladies. She gets together with the besties, and suddenly your Facebook wall is filled with pictures, updates, stories of how hard she works, tales of how she sacrificed 2 hours of sleep, pictures of the coffee she made (which, I don't wanna brag, but it was so awesome in the first go!!!), deep philosophy on life and people, world peace, quotes from Chinese philosophers and her humble account of how she met a child today who changed her life forever.

This, my friend, is brainwashing in the information age. And you are the unsuspecting victim. While you are surrounded by women with careers, and education, and opinions, and less bullshit, and even women who might be hot - you regard the PR Girl as the complete woman. This is as much the victory of PR as of the girl.

Dating a PR Girl:

Pros: It's reasonably stable. Screw up, and there's always the chance that you can use some of her bullshit philosophy to justify why your screw-up was a good thing. Not much conversation is expected from you as long as you can nod intelligently.

Cons: Everything about you will become a part of the PR. And the negative PR when it ends will come as a complete shock to you for some reason.

Interaction with other girls:
They're bitches to her. Partly because they cannot stand the amount of attention she gets, and partly because they think she talks rubbish. Which is okay, she can respond in kind.

Aspirational Girl

She does you a favour by talking to you. She does you a favour by dating you. And you must return her favours by turning into whoever she wants you to be.

It's never put like this, of course. It's polite, sweet and cutthroat. You see those guys who walk around looking like they're constantly under threat? Well, they are. They're under threat of being given the boot, even if this is never stated.

Interaction with other girls:
She's a bitch to them. It's a cycle. She feels threatened by them, so she threatens you. You flail around a bit, do the best you can and hope for the best. But then, so do the other guys. And she will hear about them from her girl friends, and feel threatened again. Most of them respond in kind, not because they're Aspirational Girls (though AGs do tend to huddle together), but because... well, bitches be crazy.

Yes? Okay?

The FAQs.

Q. Where do I stand with her? Does she flirt with other boys to make me jealous?
A. Won't put a label on it. And no, that's not the primary reason - but it is a reason.

Q. She's a good friend of mine, but ever since I started seeing X, she's been behaving odd.
A. Won't put a label on it + Victim/Martyr.

Q. I'm dating her but she's constantly unhappy with me. I love her, I don't want to make her unhappy! What do I do? *wail*
A. Aspirational Girl. You cannot win. Put your foot down and risk being gotten rid of. Or keep trying. Premature balding awaits.

Q. She loves my mom but my mom hates her! What do I do now?
A. This happens when a Hypocrite meets a non-Hypocrite. Don't worry. Get married, then they'll both hate each other.

Q. I like talking to you because you're interesting. My girlfriend bores me.
A. She's probably quite normal. And you're saying this because you're one of the more complicated categories of men. That post will come later. It's enough to say, though, that for once she is actually a victim.

Q. Before we started dating, she was so nice to me! Now she's just... I don't know.
A. If she's free a lot, refer KPE. If not, Victim/Martyr.

Q. She makes me want to be a better person!
A. About half of you are dealing with a very gifted Aspirational Girl who just wants you to be a different person.

December 05, 2011

The proliferation of idiots will be the downfall of mankind.