December 14, 2012

Getting the best out of your Facebook (No. You don't need to *like* this.)

People are always telling you that you don't know what you have, until you lose it. This is usually utter bullshit used to cheer people up with irrelevant things, but there's 1 place where it's completely true: on Facebook. Quit complaining about people on your timeline. Really. What's to complain about? Please find below, 10 easy steps to make your Facebook viewing experience a more enriching, more entertaining experience. Not more alliterative though.

1. People playing Farmville 2? Block the app. Daily Capricorn horoscopes coming your way? Block the app. Most messy apps are blockable. All annoying people are blockable. Get rid of all those people who fail to contribute to your timeline with gossip, pictures, interesting posts of any kind, or being any of the 7 Facebook Types of People which we will go into shortly.

2. You very likely have people you have identified as stalk-worthy. This is good. But very often, you've identified them as stalk-worthy simply because you dislike them. Dislike, no matter how great, will eventually be crushed at the hands of boredom. Especially if these turn out to be people who play "What football player are you?" every single day.

3. Find new people to stalk. Not on the basis of any connection, but simply because they happen to be on your friend list and have decided, for some reason, that nothing should happen in their lives without it being on Facebook. Which means pictures from every dinner, updates about their aunt coming over, and descriptions of how much fun yesterday was. Sounds boring? There's usually a strong correlation between this kind of conversation and hotness of the girl. Yes. It's always a girl.

4. Locate the pseudos. These are the people for whom life is one large journey of discovery. Every day is a struggle to overcome inner demons, every person they meet touches their heart, every sight they see screams out to them "Look! This world is so bloody beautiful that you can now write a hundred words about it on Facebook!" Blessed are those who fall into this category. For you and me (assuming you aren't one of the blessed ones), tea is just tea, weather is good or bad, studying is just a pain, and the last time our hearts were touched was while watching a cheesy Bollywood movie that we later made fun of. So soak up all the positive energy (usually by a completely new name) that these guys are giving out to the world. Because that positive energy is fricking hilarious.

5. A category often overlapping with the Pseudos is the Pretentious Ones. These are the people who will register their attendance at every wine tasting in the city, go to every jazz concert because "there's just something about jazz, you know?", call Colaba Causeway "exquisitely folksy", and "fall in love with" as many unheard-of bands as possible because they want to be the ones who *discovered* that band. The Pretentious Ones are useful because they're usually a sort of cultural guide to your own city. They'll always say what event they're attending, so you know beforehand where not to go. And they take a bunch of half-decent pictures using SLR cameras that you can use as wallpapers.

6. Hunt down the sentis. These are the people whose posts consist of a) graphics with misspelled lines on how no one should love anybody, b) "She laft me alone", and c) supposedly obtuse references to real people which everyone can guess. Don't do anything here, because that gets perceived as insensitive, or so I am told. Just watch. It eventually becomes either a bubbling pot of group hugs, awwws and some combination of alcohol/shoes/football; or an out-and-out fight if the sentiyapa is happening without first deleting the object of affections. And while I'm not saying you should enjoy this... they did decide to do this on Facebook. So enjoy this.

7. Find the sports maniacs. These are the ones usually debating the relevance of an off-spin on mid-wicket in the second innings of a test series (which will eventually be a draw) (pardon my cricket) or saying "GGMU". Which, as I have learnt, is not the abbreviation of a Hindi gaali but a football slogan for Manchester United. (Lucky them.) Once you've found these people, you can choose to fight with them or block them. Do one of the two for sure though, otherwise they'll just be pointlessly taking up space that could've been used by duck-faced women in their late 20s.

8. Are you freaked out by the number of people getting married way too early (i.e. your age)? Turn the negative into a positive ray of bloody blinding sunshine, as the pseudos would say. Go through their profiles after the flood of wedding pictures has receded. You will most likely see: a) The couple tagging each other at the neighbourhood kirana store, b) Pictures with parents-in-law and extremely fake love being professed for them, c) Rapid weight gain, and d) The desperate search for married friends whom both the husband and the wife can stand, and vice versa.

(Those, by the way, are your Types. Personal Stalkees, Over-sharers, The Pseudos, The Sentis, The Pretentious Ones, Sports Maniacs and Married Too Early. Each is essential, believe me.)

9. Among other general tips, argue with strangers. No, really. Find a semi-contentious status message, locate any one of the usually ill-informed but passionate comments on it, and start to argue. Do it painstakingly, do it everyday, don't stop. Don't stop until others start commenting and telling you two to chill out. At which point, do a complete about-turn on your stance and walk away. As a personal request, I'm asking all of you to do more of this. It's immensely entertaining, kinda like Bigg Boss on Facebook with a little more brain thrown in.

10. Don't stop at liking a completely blonde update. Go the whole hog and share it with your timeline. The level of resulting confusion among the blondes is usually entertaining to watch, because often they have just the right mix of vanity, illogicality and self-doubt that renders them absolutely nonplussed by things like these.

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Coming up later: Types of Tweeple. Have a good weekend. :)

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Just in case anything in this post causes a billion dollar company to get litigious... it's all false. Totally. I'm not scared of large corporations. Much in the same way that Salman Khan remarks, "Main darta nahi hoon. Sirf ghabrata hoon. Thoda." (Andaz Apna Apna)

7 comments:

Mohit Sureka said...

i feel like behaving myself on twitter before the next post comes. *gives the same salman look*

Sushant said...

Epic epic! I sniggered multiple times in each paragraph. In case you don't get it, that's high praise - reserved usually only for Pratchett, Warehouse, Compton and Co.

Sushant said...

Warehouse - rofl. *Wodehouse

Nefertiti said...

awesome post!!! I can't imagine life without FB. and one more category to this fairly comprehensive list- the opinionated ones: people who ALWAYS have an opinion on EVERYTHING, be it Dhoni's captaincy or elections in Gujarat or the storyline of Talaash. You can save your newspaper subscription and just stalk the posts of these people. Editorial Unterrupted...

Nefertiti said...

*uninterrupted...

Yogesh said...

Fun read.

Unfortunately, with facebook's new fucked up settings, my newsfeed doesn't carry any interesting item anymore :(

:P

Definately.Maybe. said...

loved it..its the first of urs that i have read..
And because u too have that exact kinda respect for the disrespect that i have for the Psuedo's and the Pretetious, i know already i will be smiling with resonance in many posts..

Just to add a category to ur list : There are some Pretentious Pseudo Ambassadors of positivity..actively PRing their positivity, telling the world how to live life and contribute to society just like they did..

And these people make me feel exactly the way Hrithik's character made me feel in 'Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon': Throwing Up.