January 29, 2013

It's 2013

You know what it is, right? It's January. Which means only one thing in India.

It's Bollywood awards season. Jan to March. Also known as Shah Rukh Khan's awards quarter (it's followed by the IPL quarter, which is followed by either a TV show or movie quarter, and he rounds off the year with the dancing-at-weddings-and-events-in-Dubai quarter). It's ironic that the only thing that could lose money in the whole year is the one solitary movie, which is also probably hedged so well that only the distributors are left poorer. If at all.

Anyway, the point, the point. Bollywood awards season means several things. One, a lot of gaudy stages get put up in really dusty parts of Bombay. Two, actors get paid more money to dance. Three, we get to see about 50 shots of Rekha and Amitabh Bachchan in close succession in the brief span of 4 hours. Four, we hear at least 5 speeches on each of the following:
1. How Bollywood Is Becoming More Like Hollywood
2. Please Don't Call It Bollywood
3. Meaningful Cinema is...
4. Amitji is so great

Why do I watch them? Well. If I asked you if you wanted to watch a really bad but funny Broadway musical for free, would you say no? Would you? Also, let's not pretend you don't. Tweeting about the Screen Awards and poking fun at them doesn't take away from the fact that you're watching them, aren't you? Suckers. Hah.

In the general spirit of all awards, I would also like to *humbly* present my own awards. (There are no nominations, because I'm not that vela. Just enough to write this post.) You can call these The *Rat Poison Sponsor* *Glitzy Word* Awards. The RPSGW Awards. No? Okay, call them the Golden Shoelace Awards. (Imagine Irfan Khan getting on stage and saying, "I am so glad I finally have a Golden Shoelace ok thank you everyone." See? Totally works.)

The Mainstream Item Number with Lowest Buzz Ever
Fevicol Se (pronounced Faayveekoal Se, Aha, Faayveekoal Se.)
It was really surprising how no one cared. Is it because she's married? Is it because it's a Salman Khan movie? Is it because of the insane product placement? Who knows. I hear it has the record for spawning the lowest number of suspicious sounding Google searches.

Surprise of the Year
Mithun Chakraborty being funny.
A lot of people say this should be about Nargis Fakhri marrying Uday Chopra. But is it surprising? Really? Struggling actress marries millionaire heir? Sure, Uday Chopra looks like a comedian out of a Marathi movie from the 80s, but does that mean he doesn't deserve lurrve? From a duck-faced hot girl? Come on. Your Facebook timeline is filled with this kind of thing, why does it surprise you when it happens in Bollywood?

Song of the Year
Chalao na naino se baan re / Dil garden garden / I can think of at least 3 others
They've cracked the formula, they have. Indian beat, nasal singer, stupid lyrics, garish video. Special mention to Himesh Reshammiya whose sudden return to form has shocked the likes of Mika Singh. Whatay song this.

Complete Waste of Talent
Hrithik Roshan
By simply sitting around, wasting 2 years on each of Papa's movies (currently Krish 2 or 3, I forget which) Hrithik Roshan wins this, yet again, for letting a precious year of an actor's already-short lifespan pass by... without doing anything of note at all. In 2013 we will probably see Krish 2 (or 3) and it will be grander, have more stunts, more cliched villains and probably a Batmobile. It will also make the obligatory 100 crores. It'll just be a really, really bad film.

Best Sci Fi Movie 
Student of the Year
3 aliens from a less-developed planet descend into an inter-galactic school to learn the ways of the universe, then are caught up in a dance competition. Okay wait, that actually sounds good.

Weirdass Getup of the Year
Paresh Rawal, Table No. 21.
Seriously man. What is that?

Best Actress
Katrina Kaif
Because she- hahahahahahah. Kidding. This is actually for Least Lines in All Media Put Together. Seriously. With an average of 8 sentences per movie and 2 words per Hindi TV advertisement, this lady is doing so well that it's almost like we're a society that loves dolls. Oh wait, that reminds me. "Believe in your dreams, and make them happen. Next time they make a Barbie Doll, will it be you?" Bwahahahha.

Also, as part of the Standard Obligatory Award Statements, I now state the following. Please assume I'm gushing:
1. Rekha is so beautiful, so ageless. No, it's not a bit too much. No, we're not overpowered by the sight of her.
2. All the people who died last year were really important to us.
3. We believe in recognising even small cinema. In the "Sound mixing", "Adaptation", and "Dialogues" category. Of these, we cannot promise Dialogues.
4. We do not find it even slightly disturbing that star kids are dancing on our stage with their parents.
5. We do actually encourage presenters to give long speeches about his "I love you Malaysia! Wooooooooo! Okay, now this award goes to... Any guesses? Any guesses? Well, it's my favourite!! Yeah! It's..." (We do care who their favourites are. Really.)